College 2.0.

Ahhh do you remember the first day in your college ? 

I certainly do. 

-Which one? 

Well both. As a matter of fact. Smartypants!!!

And I can certainly say that both were very similar and completely different at the same time. 

-I don’t think that’s possib-

Ah ah ah, give me a sec.

The reason being is (A) The practical – the signing in registering and talks about the bullshit like what are we going to be doing throughout the course was the same. (B) however – the social – went in a very different direction. 

Now last year it was a series of miscellaneous getting to know each other conversations, that never led to any actual knowledge followed by awkward encounters on the corridor or the campus.

This year I actually have the same  people in all my classes, thus I can actually get to know them. And this is exactly what happened. Except there is one miniscule problem. I feel like the girl I “befriended” would rather hang out with some other people than this weirdo that just repeats what she says beacuse lets be honest, the amount of “smart” oil in my brain is pretty much equival to the amount of the water fountains found on the campus. (“Mentally deep breaths”) And let me just tell you – having in mind that we only managed to find three in two buildings, they’re pretty scarce.

So, coming back to the subject, essentially I found a person that is in majority of my classes and lives in the same area as me, my age, straight female (thus no risk of being the victim of rejection love), very nice and that has similar humor to me. Thus a perfect candidate for my friend. 

But I always feel like I’m pushing it. I keep on taking about myself or if I try to ask her anything it sounds like an inquisition. 

Then on the other side of the spectrum you have the guys. And yes they do exist here. 

-NO?!?!?

Yup they do.

But so far the only ones I’ve managed to have a horribly poor conversation with, were gays.

YEY!

And its not that I’m not tolerant or anything (but yes some of the things annoy me – like really you have to wave your hand at fucking everything like its a freaking fary God mother wand ???) but I would like to have a friend that is guy and not gay (unless generally gay from life 😁 – see what I did there?).

As well as that the course programme screams “HEY THERE EVERYONE WHO LIKES TO GO OUT AND GET REALLY DRUNK AND PARTY ALL NIGHT LONG IN AN EXTREAMLY “FUN” BUT DANGEROUS ENVIRONMENT, COME TO ME !!!” 

So that’s a plus right? I will be forced to go out and socialise. 

No. 

Although I am in the group chat for the course so that will be fun … 

In conclusion – the start was interesting to say the least. (For me because I’m an anti-social freak 😊)

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The new start.

I’m about to reach the end of the year since I’ve started this blog. 

I started it just after quitting college, meeting a guy online, finishing my first draft of a book, having my first interview for a job, quitting my first job, and getting my current job. 

And now I am back in college, I have no progress on the book, still stuck in that same job, still writing this blog but no longer texting that guy and as of today no longer texting a second one I met. 

And thus a new start. 

This year has been physically boring and mentally excrutiating. I have gone from a happy little bird to I want to commit suicide praying mantis. 

I have abandoned my reading and writing and focused on creating actual relationships. And bar the “Ewww bleeee” factor there was of course, the one where it was done all over the internet. 

I changed from the “I have a million weird ass questions about you” to “hey your bad ? Let me call myself idiot to cheer you up”

But I’m back. 

New year awaits me. 

And I finally have a chance to live. 

Not to be the quiet little mouse in the corner. But to learn, explore and experience the smallest thing the life has to offer. I will start breathing again. I will take chances. 

I will open myself up to life.

Everything has to end sometime. But today is my beginning. 

Ps. You can be proud because today I passed my driving test. 

Fuck.

Fuck Jenny. 

Fuck Woodstown.

Fuck Steven. 

Fuck costumers. (But not everyone coz that would be sluty.) 

Fuck Daddy Peter.

Fuck plastic gloves.

Fuck stickers and sticker machines.

Fuck sanitary and higinic manners. 

Fuck time. 

Fuck sketcher shoes.

Fuck my feet.

Fuck pain.

Fuck stress.

Fuck this job.

Fuck this world. 

Fuck.

Sorry. 

The light.

It was pretty warm today. Even my wings didn’t provide enough wind. I was flying in between the moving gigants when suddenly I felt cold. And then the sun disappeared. 

It was a new world. I have never seen anything like it. I was flying over colossal objects. However they weren’t taller than the moving creatures. And what was the most bizarre, they were filled till the edges with smaller objects. That smelled lovely. Especially the ones on the back. 

Oh God ! The bacteria. It was beautiful. And so delicious. So immencly captivating. I wanted more. I needed more. 

The sky was weirdly low and there were millions of cold suns spread evenly around it.

I flew to an even colder spot. It was freezing actually. But the smell. I took it in deeply. The rotten meet. This was it. This was the place where I would feed myself to death. It was o so tasty. And when I added my own excreament to it, it was even better. It tasted like heaven. Like the most beautiful, immeasurable cow carp you could ever imagine.

I was about to excrete once more when I saw it. It was the brightest of suns. Yet it was rectangural. It was ozzing this extreamly enchanting noise. “Bzzzz”

I couldnt hold my self still. This thing – it was paralysing my mind. O my, if you could ever imagine the most desguisting, abominable, horrid, odiferous, rotting meat of dead deer, this was something a 1000 times better. 

It was pulling me. I couldn’t handle it much longer. As I was getting closer to it and closer it was getting bigger and brighter. With every inch. And it was getting warmer and warm-
All that was left was the lingering scent of the burned fly flesh.

29 January 2018

I wrote this yesterday. When I still had a friend.. Now because I didn’t trust he is no longer my friend. And now I don’t think I will be able to hold it much longer … Especially to that date. 

The day. 

Yes. 

I have decided that the 29 January 2018 will be the last day I will take in that sweet essence of the dirty air. It will be the last day I will look into my dad’s beautiful ice cold blue eyes. The last time I will feel the touch of my mothers warm soft skin as we will envelope each other on the couch in the morning. It will be the last time I will laugh with my brother. 

It will the last time they will have to deal with me. 

The day when I comitte suicide. 

I know I made a promise. But this one I will simply have to break.

I chose this day for a number of reasons. 

  1. It will be two days after my birthday. Thus I will die not as a teenager. 
  2. By then hopefully Przemek will have a girlfriend and won’t have to pretend that he needs me. 
  3. I will be past half of my college. So, I would’ve had a chance to make friends and live a little. 
  4. I will die young. I like the idea of no sickness and no sorrow to see my parents go later on. 

Am I scared? 

Yes. 

But not of killing myself. I’m scared that if I will go my parent’s will not understand. I’m scared that they will blame themselves. But it’s not beacuse of them. They are really good parents. I never lacked anything. I was never severely beaten or hurt. 

Why then? 

Well, because I know they don’t love me. They’re just being nice. Like everyone else. It’s their nature. And that’s okay. 

I already explained the reasons in detail in one of my previous post, “Why”. 

This is not anybody’s fault. 

NOBODY’S EXCEPT MINE. 

But don’t worry, I am still here. 

Friends.

Ahhh don’t you just love having a crush on someone? 

And then don’t you just love when you tell your friend and then automatically it becomes their life mission to get you two together?

Yeahhhh … Me too 😀😐

Now I get it. They want to help. And in most cases it does actually help. But if you have a person who is 100% shy. And a person who is 100% confident. You are not going to succeed. Even though they say opposites attract. 

The problem here you see is that I can’t talk to people. And I’m stupid. Thus it will never work. Ever !! Unless I feel extreamly comfortable around you. And there is only four people like that. My parents and my brother. Then you have Baran but with him I’ve only spoke to through text and whenever we speak through the phone I am always embarrassed of my voice so I’m still awkward. Then of course you have Helen but she is a girl. So it also doesn’t fit. 

But it doesn’t stop the fact that I like him. He is very smart. First of all. And secondly he is very good looking. And he’s super nice to me. But you see Mr Gentleman is a party guy. That means that he is confident. And that of course is a plus. But it makes me think that I created this whole situation in my head. 

Beacsue if he really would like me, I think he wouldn’t have any hesitation to text or talk or ask freaking out!!!

But then his friend keeps on doing pictures of me and sending them to him. And he keeps on telling me about him. And two days ago he has mentioned (and by mentioned I mean full on said out loud without hesitation) “I think that you and Cathal would make a great couple”

And then – “What do you think that your and his babies would look like?”

And obviously I had a million thoughts speeding through my mind but what I said was, “I don’t know, I never thought about it.” and walked off.

Yeah I know. 

I had an opportunity to say a complement about him. Or ask is he single. Or even tell a joke like,”I don’t know but I would love to find out😉” 

But you see the thing is if I’m under pressure I will not say something cool. Or funny. Or smart. I will say something ordinary. Something like yes or no. Full stop. 

And sometimes its even harder because I don’t understand what they are saying to me. And also because I am not fully concentrating on what they’re saying because I like looking at faces. 

So, then this whole fiasco turns into a never ending spiral of me wanting to talk to Mr. Gentleman then my friends cheering me on and forcing me to make a move, then me actually being near him, stress pouring all over me, so I move away, and then send him the wrong signals, and then I decide to text him or do something over the internet because it’s the only way I know and send him the right sygnals but then I start over thinking whether he likes me and I start wishing I could talk to him. 

And it starts all over again.

But my friends don’t get that. 

So, the question is : would it be better for me just to shut up about my feelings and keep them to myself? 

But what if he actually likes me ?!?!?!??! 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱

You see and this is why I will never end up in a relationship. 

Fucfking YEY. 

Closed.

DISCLAIMER: not suitable to people who are allergic to the word fuck ; written by a quite angry person.

You know what annoys me? 

People who say they’re “closed”. 

Why? Its pretty simple really: if they tell you about that PROBLEM they are not fucking closed. 

And I’m not talking about the people who share their worries in their blogs (WHERE NO ONE THEY KNOW CAN READ IT) or diary. 

I’m talking about the people who will straight out tell you that they are a closed person and they don’t like to talk about their worries to other people. 

This is bullshit. 

When you’re closed you don’t even let people know that you are sad. You don’t let them know that you want to commit suicide. 

When your closed you fight with your brain everyday, because it sucks at motivating you. Because how can someone else do it if they don’t fucking know that you’re upset in the first place. 

And what’s even more fucking annoying is when they say that the want to shut them selves down. That they will start keeping everything from the people that are there to support them. 

Like I get it sometimes we are upset and we react in bizarre ways. But you can’t just decide to close yourself from the world and be like “look how unhappy I am, come here and make me smile, give me complements and cheer me up”. 

Like no. 

Just fucking no. 

Closing in happens over time. Or when something drastic happens to your life. And it’s not something you can decide on. You can’t just say I want to be that sad girl and be it. It doesn’t fucking work like that. 

And then they won’t not show. They won’t hide it. They will show off how pathetically “sad they are” and make you guess what’s wrong with them. And after ten minutes of waste of words, they will tell you that it’s because their rabbit won’t lick their finger. And they will be serious about that.

I mean yeah, TOTALLY a first world problem.

And I’m not fucking saying that all the problems are bullshit. But if your comfortable to talk about them then do. And don’t act like your not. Because you have no fucking clue what it feels like. And trust me you do not want to be stuck in that hole, because once you are there is very little that can dig you out – especially that you non-stop dig yourself in. 

You have no fucking clue what it feels like to hide everything. And by everyting I literally mean everything. 

A few posts ago I wrote a post about it. If you want you can read it here

Maybe then you’ll understand what the fuck does it mean to be fucking closed.