The Conversation Games.ย 

I don’t know if it’s just me being point blank socially awkward freak or is it that everyone does that … But I have conversations with other humans in my head.

Is that weird?

Kamila – you’re speaking gibberish!

Okay, okay let me explain. 

You know when you see someone and you’re like “ohh I like that person”. And then you’re like “I could talk to them !!!” But then you’re like “waaait but what could I talk about?”

And then let the conversation games begin. And may the odds be in your favour. 

However!!! 

When it comes to me they don’t go any further then my brain. And I mean this is the situation mostly with boys but also with friends. 

Can you just get to the point Kamila??? We are dying here. 

Well if you just give me a chance!!!

See this is exactly what I mean. Although the ones in real life are more something like this: 

I was at the till and Mr Gentleman was filling in drinks – right in front of me. And there was no one in the store. Perfect opportunity to have a little conversation.

This is my thinking:

I could say, nice muscles and then laugh a little. Then he would would say, well you know I have reseling Championships nearly everyday with my sister soo you know hehe someone has to beat her ass up. Hahah yeah I have the same thing at home .. except I beat up my brother haha. Oh yeah I see those muscles of yours haha ๐Ÿ˜. 

Omg I am soo stupid. This will never work. He will think I am the biggest creep. I’ll better stay quiet. 

And then when he walks over to get something from the shelve behind me, it begins again:

Omg !!! This is the perfect opportunity to show him my socks !! He will think I’m a sweet geek coz their Menions. And he will laugh and smile at me with these beautiful eyes of his. ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ˜Š

Omg !!! I am such an embarrassment. 

I should better just ask him how was his day. That’s very normal. Omg !! In fact it’s so boring that he will fall asleep at thought of it. And then he will think that I am a creep because why would I even ask him we’re not even real friends. ๐Ÿ˜ญ

I should’ve talked about the siblings when I had the chance. Ugh and now he’s gone. Ugh. 

Right. So this is my thought process. And although I feel like it’s not an exact representation because I also imagine the actions face expressions and so on. But that’s mainly it. 

And it’s sad in my opinion because I will never feel confident to say those things. And because of that I will stay forever alone… YEY!๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽŠ

Ahhh friendship.ย 

Okay.. So lets just pretend that I have a friend. 

๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚Kamila please I can’t breathe ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

Yeah I know it’s a big strech but just try okay. 

Anyway let’s pretend I have a friend.

Now the ideal one would be if I would able to tell them everything, abuse them mentally and physically when it comes to their fridge and  be able to hang out with them 24/7. 

Now obviously that person doesn’t exist – apologies to all my friends ie. Myca and Przemek. Helen doesn’t have this bolg so no need to apologise. 

Anyway, if you have one of those then F you! Son!

Just kidding!๐Ÿ˜Š

But serioulsy I feel like if not the distance that would be me and Baran. (His nickname). 

He is literally the most annoying(except from my brother – no one will beat that bastard) person I know. And I mean I work with guys. And they’re annoying as F. 

But he takes it to a whole new level because bar calling me names, continualsly telling what I don’t know and not letting me sleep he also never lets me win. And I mean I’m an adult. I can handle a chess game lost. 

But not 50 !!!!

And then when I finally win its beacuse he lets me beacsue I have a bad day. 

Aggrgeragagaragga !!!!!

But then he hates cats which makes my day when he talks about kicking them. And he is somewhat similar to my brother and he need cheering up which takes my mind of all the crappy things in my brain. 

So I like him. 

Be warned : just as a friend. 

But! 

I swear to God if tonight he will wake me up at 1 I will serioulsy book a flight just to kill him. 

Everysingle day

Even if you cheat , even if you lie

Even if sometimes I am hurt.

Even if you fail and even if you don’t. 

It doesn’t matter how 

It’s okay. 

And I’ll be with you 

And I’ll see through

The dark shadows that you create

The barriers and the window shades

I will see right through it 

I will see right through it.

Even if we cry instead of laughing laud. 

Whenever you’re not here 

It’s okay 

Even if you meant it, even if not

You’ll always get forgiveness 

It’s okay

And I’ll be with you 

And I’ll see through 

The dark shadows that you create

The barriers and the window shades

I will see right through it

I will see right through it 

It’s alright, it is okay, I’d believe you anyway

It’s alright, it is okay, I will love you every single day. 

This is a song I wrote two years ago. It was meant to talk about a toxic relationship. Then it turned into a song about great love. Either way I can’t stop seeing it in my life. 

Especially now that HE is gone forever. 

The boy on the train.

Its was too hot for the jumper. But she didnt shave. So now she had to silently suffer because of her laziness. 

Seat 23 in wangon nr. 3. 

She went into it and suddenly she was found amongst the most confortable chairs she had ever imagined existed in trains. There was a man sitting just in front of her having what looked like a very important conversation over the phone about potatoes. 

She managed to drag her overfilled suitcase on top of the overhead shelves and clapped down on the seat. After unraveling of all the wires of her headphones she managed for once to connect to the wifi. Which was surprisingly storng. 

“May I see your ticket ma’am.” she heard a voice beside her. She looked to the left and all she could see were two black recangles the badly needed ironing. Slowly following the outline of a skinny male, eventually arriving at the face which indeed needed some razor and anti-aging creme.

“Umm yeah hear you go.” She gave him the ticket and watched as his wrinkles got deeper and deeper and suddenly a frown was unmissable.

“Your in the wrong seat, ma’am” he said. “You need to move!” he said louder. 

This made her jump a little. “Okay, okay.” she said. And once she managed to drag her backpack down from the overhead shelve, she proceeded through the wagons. 

The first then the second until she reached the third – in the second class – beacsue that’s where she belonged. 

25, 24, 23! And beside her seat was another one. This time it was occupied by no other than a skinny boy listening to music and looking straight out the window. She was already tired and when she looked down at his knees all she could think of was sleep. And when she saw his large hands the thought of them touching her head was overwhelming. 

“Hi!” she said. 

Nothing. 

He had no idea that she was about to sit to him. When she lightly tapped him on his shoulder he looked up to see this little girl with red hair and freakles. Cute. He thought. 

“Hello.” she repeated in the lightest of voices. 

Immediately realising that she was talking to him he tipped out the earphones out of his ears. 

“Ummm, sorry did you say something to me? I couldn’t hear … I had my earph-” 

“Do you have a girlfriend?” she interrupted and sat down. 

“No.?” he asked confused.

“Can I be your girlfirend then for the next half an hour?” 

“Why?” 

“You’ll only find out if you let me. You can dump me afterwards.” 

“Okay?” 

“Great!” she said bubbly.

He smiled weirdly as he saw her pulling out a many sizes too big jumper for her. 

“Can you lift your hand, honey?”

He lifted his arm. He felt as if she was about to examin his armpit. But instead she lay the folded jumper on top of his knees and her head on top of that and said, “Now you can pet me. Thank you” 

And without a single second of hesitation this time he placed his large skinny hand on top of her red head. And began soothing her hair as it was the task that would save a child.