I told you so.

That is what my mum should say to me right about now. Or if not my mum my dad. Or my granddad. Or any other adult that I have ever said to,”I want to be an adult already” as a child.

I honestly feel like there’s no need to explain or justify or argue in any way that we all (unless your a child) want to be children again. Especially when our worlds crack and break and stress squeezes the last drop of sweat and fear from us. 

If there’s any word to describe my college experience at the moment it’s apocalypse, at the very least. Too many assignments, too much probability I will fail half of them and too little time to figure it out. 

Before I started college my friend told me to keep busy… Thank you very freaking much BEN!!!

I just need some time to think. But as I mentioned before life is a little bitch. Yes. The one with the blond ponytails smiling right at you. 

Did you ever step into dog poo? Now did you ever step into dog poo when you were on your way to a very important place? 

Or maybe you have spilled coffee or some other drink onto yourself just when you needed to look reasonable. 

Personally my favourite: did you ever forget something and were in more than deep shit because of it? 

Haven’t we all been there? All stuck in that heavenly pile of trouble-crap. And to think that in most cases an hour is all we would need to fix it. 

So how about take that one hour from that time you spend the entire night binge watching ‘Stranger Things’? 

AHA! But you can’t! – time laughs in your face and then he says, “should’ve thought about it before. Don’t make me say it!”

And you already know what it is… 

Advertisements

Challengeable? Or Manageable?ย 

Is staying happy and positive hard? 

I mean if people are honest shouldn’t it be easy? On the other hand it is good to be happy? That’s the whole point isn’t it?  To provide your customer with a satisfactory service. 

Think about it. 

When your going to a shop, a restaurant, a petrol station or a doctor, you expect them to be all smily and happy and helpful. 

Did you ever get served by a moany fatter older man screaming ‘NEEXXT!!’ just as you leave the till. 

Yeah exactly. And was it nice? 

And isn’t that selling happiness? Selling the idea that “our service will guarantee you a pleasant time” “you will not regret it”. Don’t you think its a little redundant.

Is selling happiness even possible? 

Okay everyone knows it is. And indeed happiness sells very well. The peoblem with that is that it makes everyone’s day worse rather then better. 

Maybe not on the surface but underneath definitely. You lie to your costumer if your showing yourself always happy. Not everyday is good so why do you make it so ? Then the costumer on the other hand is being the one lied to. And how do you feel when you are lied to? 

Okay maybe it’s not as extreme especially in most cases we know the truth but subconsciously we do take in a little bit of sadness of that person into our lifes.

I, for example, always go to get the same ice cream in the same shop. And there is always this one girl there. She’s always tired and angry. And I always will try to smile at her and cheer her up. And all she does it smiles quickly back servs me and moves on to do her job. 

I don’t know maybe I’m too empathic. Or maybe I’ve been there too, too many times and I know exactly what she feels like.

But trust me I honestly feel her pain.

And this makes me wonder am I doing a good job? 

I always try to smile and stay positive but then there are some days in which I just deeply want to give up. Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone or drive them away with my problems? 

You see now I met a guy on tinder. (Yes I do realise it’s idiotic. But if I ever have a chance of giving my dad kids-yes I’m thinking about it- it’s the only way.) You see what makes this guy special is two things. One the fact that he has a motorbike and that puts him up there already but two we live extreamly close to each other. So close in fact that he has drove by while I was on the bus stop THREE TIMES ALREADY!! 

And this is knew for me. Because with HIM I never new that he was real. I just decided to believe it. But with mr stranger (that’s what I call him) its easy. I don’t have to believe. I know. 

But beacuse I really think I have a chance with this guy I don’t want to ruin it. And I know as soon as he’ll find out he will laugh at me and walk away, thinking what an idiot. 

He wouldn’t be wrong.

But from now on I am happy. And I’m not going to let this get in my way. I will shut up and act as if he’s my favourite costumer. Its what I do at home anyway.. 

So what difference will it make…

The big day.ย 

I don’t know whether you know but ! I have a brother. 

Did I tell you this? I’m sure I mentioned it once or twice. And if not … I HAVE A BROTHER EVERYONE !!!

And believe it or not but he’s older than me. 

-๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Three years, I know!!!. But in reality two. … Long story for another time.

ANYWAY .. Two days ago was his graduation. Yeyeyyeyeeyeyeyeyyey ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽŠ๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰๐ŸŽ‰

And I actually can’t say how proud I am from him !! I mean he is an adult! My little big brother is a grown man that is about to fall into the monotonous routine of work life.

Just a disclaimer: kids don’t drink alkohol because it makes you pee. A LOT. And you have small bladers.

Second of all : it is evening. And I have celebrated. Kill me. I am a very proud sister what can you do. 

Anyway lets get back to the topic. 

Actually while we’re on the topic can I just say that I love being tipsy. Its this stage where your happy but still aware of your surroundings. And its amazing!!! 

You know actually I might start drinking more .. Oh wait… Sober I’m responsible. Dammit!

ANYWAY!!!

I am proud of Marcin. So fucking proud. He is officially the first male to go to college. And also to finish it. Not over all obviously, but in our family.

And that is what makes me so proud of him, as well as the fact that I never thought I will see this day come. Yes, suicide was one reason. 

-NOT FUNNY !

Okay okay sorry. But also it just seemed too outstretched. 

It seemed like that thing behind a tin glass that you just can’t touch. So close yet so far. Unreacheable. 

I mean doesn’t everything seem like that when its still locked in the “future” box?

Your first kiss (I’m staring to think that mine is missing from the box.) 

Your first date.

Your first job.

Your first appartment.

Your first husband or wife. 

-hey hey hey ! What do you mean first? ๐Ÿ˜ 

Umm I mean first and last obviously. He he ๐Ÿ˜’.

So here I am sitting on the couch, half drunk, staring at the back of my brothers head and thanking God for it. Beacuse without it none of this wole be happening. 

Cause you know, .. He would be dead … 

๐Ÿ˜€ have a nice day my friends. 

T.F.

I don’t understand. 

I am sad. 

To be honest dad has put me in this mood. And mum walked out when I was getting better. I don’t blame her. She was crying. And I didn’t really have a reason to be sad. I mean dad gave out to my brother, and causead mum to cry. But what else is new?

Today morning I was really happy. Daniel enoyes the shit out of me but he is always making me laugh even by being him idiot self. 

(Daniel if you’re reading this by some bizzarly odd coincidence, you’re not really an idiot. I just like that word.) 

๐Ÿ˜€

But then I came home and everything went down hill from that. First I had to stay here, in the house, because I have no friends and dad would not go with me to bray (our place). And then my brother wanted to avoid a fight with dad so he asked him a question which turned out to be the biggest trigger for a fight in days and BOOM ! 

We have a red dangerous dinosaur, a crying willow, suicidal thoughts, and a song. 

Ps those thoughts were not mine. 

And then I texted Mr gentleman. Not that I wanted to. Or not that I had other choice. But again he wasn’t pleased and thus I felt horrible. 

Beacsue who says that Sean likes me? Who says that I don’t annoy him aswell. Or Daniel. Or Katie? Or Tina? Or any other human being I had contact with. And the guys I’m texting online … Well they never met me. They think that I am a normal person. But I’m not.

I’m boring. Stupid. And most of all have no life. And that just makes me a liar. 

I try. I prayed to God for courage. Still. And I feel like he’s ignoring me. 

I feel like I’m screaming for help. And all I get is, “scream louder”. 

I want to cry but I keep having this thought in my head that I’m not allowed. I am supposed to be happy. I have a happy family. I have a roof over my head. I read somewhere that people are dying in tragedies. I’m not. I am lucky. I am. I really am. And yet I feel like I have the biggest bad luck on this earth. 

To be honest I blame my dreaming and thinking and mind in general. But would I think differently if parents pushed me to things I didn’t feel comfortable doing? 

But God tells me that blaming others for your sorrows is not right. And bis right. It’s not like I wasn’t allowed to do things I was afraid of.  So, its my fault. 

Me having shitty life is my fault. And I hate myself for it. 

Lonely.ย 

He came into the lecture hall exactly at exactly 14:31. He was 29 minutes early. But it was okay. He liked it. It was calming. He sometimes dared to put up his legs on top of the desks. 

But not today. Today the place was abandoned. Not empty. 

The lights were off. Few pieces of rubbish here and there, revealed underneath the moon light that came in through the roof. The heating was broken. He suspected that he would freeze to death during the two hours, if no one else showed up. 

One time that happened. He was the only one that came in. Even the lecturer didn’t show up. Perhaps it was because of the college party the day before. Everyone always went. 

Except for him.

It was eerily quiet. The only noise came from the flickering exit sign. That seemed to speed up all of a sudden. 

It didn’t handle it and after a little lightning the sign burst into pieces. 

The doors shut tight. 

Before he was able to realise what’s going on all the chairs started ripping themselves from the metal frames. The screws were rising, floating in the air like little stars. The rolling up counter tops pushed him further back into his seat which was shaking like a wild bull.

He got up and realised that the room was floating around him. The counter tops dancing on the walls, the chairs floating around him as if trying to show him off. And when the lights started to flicker and hilight the most beautiful corners of the chairs, tables, walls and himself. He wasn’t afraid anymore. 

The room became alive for him.

For once he wasn’t lonely.

The Dark Angels.

19.

Her lips were rosy. A little chopped. The mint of her green eyes perfectly covered under the blue contacts. 

It looked wrong.

It was wrong.

She didn’t understand. They told her she needed to bleach her hair. But they tricked her because now she was going bald. 

They told her she needs to be less. 

Her fingers shook. Spit on her freckled cheek – but you couldn’t see the freckles. Make up dripping into the toilet. Her stomach felt just like the time she got beat up. 

Her father was trying to call her. She was supposed to be at home now. But the phone now rang in somebody’s else’s pocket. 

At least hers was pretty now. Fashionable.

They told her she must fit in. She let herself be kissed. She felt dirty.

She was.

But she had to. They told her to. She didn’t have a choice. They would take her otherwise. She didn’t want to go. 

And they tried. 

Tried to let her stay.

But she was too important to them.

Her legs were too weak to pick her up from the floor. But how was she supposed to satisfy them? They wanted her. She understood.

They “did it all to spden her from the awful things in life that come”. 

They gave her strength. Just enough to go into the pharmacy. They must’ve loved her. 

No. 

They love her. Always have and always will. They’re the only thing she has. 

They “never ment no harm”. And so they “hold her”. Wrapped around her like a safety blanket that she desired. 

She took the sixteenth pill and she was finally free. Now she could live happily ever after.

With them.

The dark angels.

Aurora – The Murder Song.