Overthinking 2.0.

Do you ever go into this cavern of such deep and undiscovered part of your brain, that you get lost? As if your brain was a gigantic maze with no exit. Slowly your heart starts beating faster and harder. It sends tiny shock waves through your skin and you start shaking. You have no way out. You are dead. But not yet. You will get thirsty first. Then hungry. Lastly even a breath will be too much and one time you won’t take it.

Or you calm yourself down. And say STOP! There has to be a way out of here. And suddenly a door – the one you’ve been looking for all eternity – appears right in front of you. You go through it finaly releaved thinking: Thank God !

Only to find out its just another maze with no exit.

Suddnely your brain transforms into a million of spirals.

And you are stuck forever.

Thinking.

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Two faced?

What should I do ?

The ‘substitute manager’, we’ll call her Doc (because she studies some medicine programme), always gives out about people at my work not doing their shit. And mostly about guys. Which just so happens, they are my work friends. Yes, I rather work with them than her, even though I have nothing against her as a human being. But when she gives out about them I stay quiet. I don’t defend them, neither do I agree with her.

Also I don’t always tell them that she was moaning about them.

So does that make me twofaced ?

And even if not, then could we not define ‘being twofaced’ as having many faces, a different one for each of the people in our lives?

Because in that case I am. I act confident in front of my work friends when in reality I am shy. Why do I act confident? Out of fear of rejection? Maybe I think that if they will see me as someone confident they will respect me? Maybe even they will think I am worthy of their friendship?

But you see even though I am somewhat myself around my real friends – not always trying to pretend that I am smarter or more confident than I actually am – it doesn’t stop me from over thinking is something wrong with me and what have I done wrong to them.

Because still with my real friends I am afraid of what they’ll think of me. In fact all I think about at home is whether or not I did something wrong and how would I make them (MY FRIENDS. – people who supose to like me just the way I am) like me and not hate me. How can I suck up to them, to make them realise that I am worthy of their attention. And every single time I end up with the same conclusion. That they, and the world, would be better of without me. That they don’t need me.

Or the fact that I am a hugger but I stop myself anytime I am about to touch any person just because I am convinced that they are discussted by me and they would not want to be near me not to mention touch in any way.

And does this mean that I am a bad person? Does hiding your true self from the ones you like, or even care for and love, means that you are a twofaced person?

And if so how can I not be if the fear of hatered and rejection is overwhelming me?

Concert.

The lights dim. One by one. Thousands of conversations calm and then altogether raise in one coherent roar. The blackness soon takes the shape of the night sky, as tiny dots of bright light come to life. And as the guitar sound echoes through the arena, he comes onto the stage and suddenly nothing else matters.

Not your grades. Not your boyfriend or girlfriend. Not your sick mother. Not your depression. Nothing.

Just him.

The crowd.

And the song.

What happens after the lights are back on?

You see that indeed he was nothing more than a good singer. And you … You are a miserable, broken little insect that they want to extinguish.

Ps. Sorry .. Originally the post was meant to be happy .. I don’t know what happened.

It’s worth it.

“Raise yourself above the ground.”

What do you think about that?

This is a lyric that simply refuses to leave my brain.

On that note, did you ever watch Memento? No? Yes? Do it. Again. It’s such an amazingly fucked up movie.

Which is a little ironic since it’s about a guy who can’t make new memories…

Anyway…

Do you ever dream about flying?

I do. Like a bird. Can you imagine how free and thrilling it would be? The wind in your hair. The goosebumps on your skin. The quickening beating of your heart. The sweat drying as it forms. The images that you would capture with your eyes. The overwhelming amount of ions and elements you would touch. The fear that would consume you in your entirety. The strength you would have to overcome it. The smile on your face. The conversations you would hear. The people you would meet.

The world would be at your feet… or Wings.

And now try and put all of that into a mental metaphor. Because that is what the lyrics talk about. They talk about being free on the ground. Living life. Loving life.  Not obeying every single rule. Taking chances. Believing in yourself. LOVING yourself.

Do you?

Raise yourself above the ground.

It’s worth it.

Her story.

Her breath stank of cigarettes. Half empty crumpled packet of Malboro red was sticking out of her pocket.

She was texting her son. He was to buy milk on his way home. She was on her way to a job interview. Fifth time this week.

The blue coat she got for her last birthday was on her last days of existence. But she would sow the little hole under arm at least twice more. One, she couldn’t afford a new one. Two, it was all she had left of him. Everything else, she burned.

She never forgave herself.

She kept on repeating over what she had to say, “Hello, Aleshia Moor. Nice to meet you!” Smile. “Smile God dammit!” she whispered and forced herself to curl the corners of her chopped lips. It looked painful. As if she re-visited an old wound.

She didn’t know this, but she wouldn’t get this job either. Or the next one.

And soon her son would leave her alone too. It wasn’t because she was a bad mother. Not even because of the scar she gave him one Friday night. It was because he didn’t want to waste his life just like she did.

She started off, good. She was one of the best lawyers in the city.

But he was better. And one drink too many, alone in the bar, on a Wednesday night, turned to a completely valid reason to let him destroy her.

Within two months she was without nothing. No house, no money, no job, no hope. Only her son. Only on Fridays and the weekends.

It was never that she wanted to do it. I was never her intention. She loved her husband. She wanted them to grow old laughing about different cases they have won or not. She wanted her son to be a lawyer. She wanted, she dreamed that someday she would be explaining Habeas Corpus to one of her grandkids.

But that won’t happen. And in fact she will never get to know her grandkids. She will have none. Her son will be a musician like he always dreamed to be.

But she won’t be forgotten by him. In fact the song that will get him the ticket to the top will be about her.

And she will stay up late every evening to listen to it on the radio. In the nearby train station. Just beside the bus stop she will fall asleep on…

… till the rest of her life.

Comforting demons.

Sometimes I feel weird…

Like I don’t fully understand what I’m feeling. I’m not sad .. completly but I’m not happy either.

I am not satisfied with existing but the thoughts about the future are calm and just quiet enough for me to be able to ignore them.

My restless leg syndrome is not helping. Its like my legs are numb, itchy, tired and full of energy all at the same time. I want to walk around the room. I want to lay down on my fluffy yellow carpet and let the sun heat my face so much that I would feel like I was at the ocean.

But it’s night. So I can’t.

I kinda feel like crying. The gap in between my ribs and lungs is overfiled with emptyness. I can feel my heart beating not too fast, but faster than usual.

And I feel like I’m no human. Not an animal. Not a thing. I am a compound of various elements that unfortunately make me, me. But I think I would rather be floating. Disperced all across the globe. Listening to peoples conversations. Touching surfaces that could hurt me.

Just for the fun of it.

My back wouldn’t be soar then. I would have none to begin with.

But I do. I am stuck in my bed like a paralyzed person. Pretending that I am alive. Feeling nothing and everthing. Maybe not as it is. I change things. In my head. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should accept the feelings just as they are. But I just hate some of them so fucking much. So I sqew them. I pretend they are worse or better than they are in reality.

And then I let a few tears dampen my pillow because I remember that after posting this, after a short prayer and after few bad thoughts I will be asleep.

And the demons will wake up the next time I will be alone.

To comfort me.

Ewww. Life.

Just to let you know I wrote this post about a week ago forgot to post it … Re read it now and it was shit sooooo here I go again..

Hi!

For those uninformed I am a girl.

And coincidentally I am exreamly socially awkward. Soooo my relationship status has been single for a while.

-😂😂Kamila please.. We are friends here and we know you are a loner … Just admit it.

Ugh fine. Yeah I may have never been in a relationship. But its not like I never had opportunities. Just I never had good opportunities.

And as it turns out one night I was dreading became the best night I could have imagined. The aftermath however not so glittery.

You see I met a boy.

– 

Stop it ! He’s really nice and smart.

So far that’s it. But I’m sure he has a lot more to offer.

Anyway, that’s not the poop.

The poop is that I really liked his friend too. Except JUST AS A FRIEND.

But he just either is oblivious to my signs, which by the way couldn’t be more obvious, or he just doesn’t give up.

So now I am stuck between the two and I have no clue what to do. Like obviously I want David (the Guy I like) but I don’t want to hurt Yash’s feelings either. Like I already told him no so many times. And now he’s asking me am I free on the weekend.

And yeah I am. But should I tell him ? Because I do kinda wanna meet him but so that we become friends nothing else. But is that not playing with his heart?

Ugh … Life is so difficult.

UPDATE:

Okay so, once again I forgot to post this … I am getting horrible at this.

But maybe it’s not so bad because I have tea.

– We’re not thirsty, Kamila.

Jesus, goss? Juicy bits? No?

– We get it you like you citruses.

UGH. Never mind. I met up with Yash. AND David. AT ONCE!

– O my God! World war three!

Seriously, if you ever are in this situation DON’T INVITE THE OTHER GUY EVER!!!!!!!

Basically what happened was I told Yash I’m free, he invited me to a hike. I told David that I’m going. He was surprised and it was awkwardly silent so I blurred out does he wanna come, unfortunately he agreed. I texted Yash, he had to agree, but he was confused so I told him that me and David like each other, gave him opportunity to call it off, but unfortunately he didn’t. Then he was silent the majority of the time, while David was showing off what a bad-ass he was while in realty he wasn’t.

Now, Yash is not talking to me, David thinks we are gonna get married and I am strongly considering whether I ever want to meet him again.

So, what’s the moral of the story?

GUYS SUCK AND I AM AN IDIOT!