Suicidal.

How about the ocean?

You could just float away into the deep deep tourquise abyss. Where all the worries are swollowed by the incredible multi – eyed creatures. Where tears are encrusted in a thick layer of happiness. Where the happiness won’t let you take another- even a single – breath in sadness. Where you will never be sad again. Where you will never ever … Be again.

What about the inbetween?

The air would surround you. For the first time ever you would take a real breath. And you would exhale all the bad memories. The sensation of your watery eyes would no longer exist. You would be dry and cold. But you would finally be free. After the jump you would remember the time you’re friends made you dance with your crush. You would remember the time you got to perform on stage. The time when you thought everything would sort itself out. When you had the opportunity to make the right decision. Then your heart would suddenly stop.

What other beauty can we find in the world? Where would our pain subside and become nothingness while we become one with nature? Where will we be happy?

Ps. Pictures not mine – took from Google.

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Goodbye. 

I generally don’t like that word if it means that I will loose something that I really like or even love.

The thing is, I’m sure you know, loosing especially people, is one of the hardest experiences you will have in your life.

I found a new job. I’m afraid that I won’t like it. I’m scared – hella scared. But can honestly just hope for the best. The thing is though as I’m writing this, I am waiting for a phone call. From the girl who gave me this current job.

No sorry, not current, ugh okay quick explanation-

My neighbour got me a interview in shop 1. The manager said that the job is mine if the deli manager (the girl) says yes. She said yes. Later the manager along with the owner gave me weekend shifts in shop 2. Then I started college and only work in shop 2 now. Which is a pile of CRAP!

Okay, now that you’re all up to date, me and the girl became real good friends. She liked me, I liked her and we were all a big family. Not to mention those great guys I worked with – MR GENTLEMAN FOR GOD’S SAKE !

I just really don’t want to leave them. But I have to, I have no other choice. If I leave one shop I need to leave the other – there’s no other way out of it.

DISCLAIMER: I WROTE THIS A WEEK AGO … AND LET ME TELL YA … A WEEK IS A LONG TIME. THINGS CHANGE.

Okay so, as I feared the new job was horrible, so I didn’t take it. I mean, I could smell the dirt. Not, an exagerattion.

Anyway, right after I came back from lisbon (a post all about that traumatic exprience coming soon) I went to give my notice to the good shop(shop 1). I was pretty convinced that I had to leave both.

But boy was I wrong !

The manager of the good shop, we’ll call him Mace Windu, didn’t want me to leave. I wouldn’t say he fought fiercely, but he did fight.

You know the casual, begging on knees, tears in bloodshed eyes, vows to give me a massive promotion.

-Really? Dude You. Are. Pathetic.

Okay, maybe I over exaggerated just a little bit.

But he said he will try and sort out the weekend for me and what most – we made a deal that I will be able to leave immediately when I find a new job. As well as protecting my ass from Vader (the owner of the shop).

So … Yesterday, I handed in my notice for leaving the bad shop. As suspected, Palpatine (the shitty manager), didn’t give a fuck. I mean I even thought he was glad. But that’s about it. Which makes me even more satisfied to go.

And suddenly saying Goodbye turned out to be the best in the world.

Plan.

Travel. It is something at least 50% if not more of people inhabiting this beautiful diverced, full of unusual smells, sounds and tastes, planet, want to do. 

Everywhere you go in your own city you will see the tourist offices. Or the trip advisor places calling out the wonderful lands of the unfamiliar. And while your temptation grows thicker and deeper within your heart, your wallet stays drowned by anorexia. 

Because the life must go on.

So instead of going to those places. Eating those foods. Singing with those strangers late at night in a language that you don’t know.

You live. 

Excause me. 

*You die. 

Because if that’s your dream what sort of life are you living ? What are you living for? 

Nothing. 

And I’m exactly in that position. 

You see for a long time I wanted to travel – see the world. I also wanted to become a volunteer and help those in need. So – I found a solution. 

I will travel as part of a voulenteer programme. Yes I won’t see New York just yet, but I will see something else. I will live through an adventure. 

The only things that is stopping me now is money. But I’m not gonna let it. I’m gonna save up and then I will spend it. Because there’s no point in me saving it forever. 

I’m going to have a job when I grow up. A proper job. And that will have to do for my bills. And now I have to travel while I’m young and have the time. 

And if you’re the same, no money is not an excuse. It’s only a reason you give yourself so that your consciousness would be quiet. Because if you really want something you will fight for it. And you will fight hard until you get it. 

Ahhh jealousy.. Isn’t it beautiful?

Why are girls so fucking jealous of their boyfriends?? 

And on that note guys – you too suck!

But I want to focus on girls first. 

I cannot emphesise how many times I had a girl look at me dirty or suddenly kiss her guy beside me or in front of me just because I looked their way, or as in one case was getting a lift from her boyfriend.

Yeah, that look and “who’s that?” said in the coldest of tones possible(imagine Hitler saying that to his daughters boyfriend who’s a jew) will never leave my memory. Oh the best is the part where he says “She’s just my friend. Not even, she’s my friends sister.” And when we’re on our own he would always talk how we should organise a party and stuff. 

Yeah. “Auch”.

But then you have girls jealous to the point where friendships with their boyfriends are impossible. Like wtf?? Are we living in the 19th century or what? Beacuse the last time I checked I didn’t see girl’s running in trucks as dresses and guys reciting sheakspear to them at their balcony. 

Seriously, I had two friendships already (obviously over a chat – don’t ask stupid questions !) that all fell apart because a stupid girl was too jello!!!! 

And then with those friendships the guys were the same so they kept on loosing the girl and having to fight for her again. 

Like GOD !!! Is this ever gonna end? 

-Yeah we’re getting bored …

Sh.

What happened to a free will?? What happened to “this is a free country”?!?!? …. And yes I know that I live in Ireland not America but still !!!!!

-Kamila calm down it’s not like you will ever be in that situation… 😂

WOW !! Thanks ..

Fine! Maybe I won’t ever have a boyfriend and stories to tell my children. Maybe I will end up alone and the only thing anyone will ever be jealous of me, will be my warm sweater that I will make myslef!

But dreaming is allowed right?!

And this is not the topic of the conversation !!!

The topic is … CAN EVERYONE JUST GROW THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE JEALOUSY FOR LITTLE KIDS WITH CANDY ?!?!?!?!?

Mad world.

You know when you get a new job somewhere and find this kind of sheet: 

Or 

And then you realise that everywhere its the same hilarious bullshit.

For example: 

There is a strickt policy on discounting the products in this store. Anyone found discounting prices will be dismissed. 

Yeah like I will not make a deal with my friend to never charge for food.

Or this:

All staff wishing to buy a product must be served by a different staff member.

So are you saying that I have to wait 20 minutes to be served because the que is soo long and then only have 10 minutes for break … Nah ah 

What’s even worse, after working few weeks you will get the biggest revelation of all – THE RULES ONLY APPLY TO THE UNIMPORTANT HOES LIKE YOURSELF!

Yes ! 

Not the manager. .. Obviously !! 

Not the full time staff that’s been working there for years. 

Not the pretty eyed boy that got the job because his gramma is the neighbour of the owner. 

Just you and a bunch of other honest, hardowrking, dilligant, well trained losers. 

Its funny becsuse really those rules should only apply to the others.. 

But it’s a …

mad world.