Well as you probably know I am a girl.
I am also an introvert – meaning I don’t really like socializing. In fact, I suck at it big time. But as a human being that doesn’t believe in love and is convinced that no one could ever possibly like me (even just as a friend) I have already agreed with the fact that I will end up as a lonely old woman with twenty three dogs (because I’m afraid of cats) in a little falling apart house in the middle of nowhere.
But then you know, I get those moments of total illusion that maybe it doesn’t have to be like that. I like to think of myself as a creative person. A person who out of a simple hello can predict the whole relationship. I wouldn’t say I am a romantic because for that you need to be at least a little bit experienced (and I don’t mean watching romantic comedies or reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’). But I am a person who likes to over-exaggerate. I am a person who will think over every – even the smallest smile, look, or even presence in a thousand possible ways. And probably will figure out the worst.
And I don’t like that about me. I don’t like that I am a hypocrite and this kills me the most. It is when I think about someone more than I should. More than it is okay to. I find my actions irrational. Because why would I think about him if I know that I will never even say ‘HI’ to him. Yes. Even this two letter word brings chills to me. Besides he was from totally different background. He was a part of the ‘cool but human’ kids. And now that school is over and I’m living so close to him I wander why do I always see his brother – why not him.
But then I’m thankful that I don’t see him so much. Because I feel like I think about him less when I don’t see him.
But then on the other hand you have HIM. This guy I technically don’t know. I began talking to him over a chat.
And now you are probably screaming in your head, “KAMILA WTF HE COULD BE A PERVERT OF A KILLER!!!” or simply … “STUPID!”
But I know that. The thing is that over the chat I can be myself. I mean I can be whoever the hell I want, but I choose to be me. Because, there is very little risk. You see the chat is polish. And thus, in 99.99999999999999999% of time the pervert or the killer (if any) is nearly two thousand kilometers away. But then once in a while (and by while I mean a year or two) you meat someone who you would really like to meat in person. Who you never even thought existed. Or if they did they would’ve never talked to you.
Because why would they? You’re just a boring, ugly, small girl with shity interests and small brain. Or at least this is what you think about yourself. So every time you do talk to a male you are a bitch to them, because you fear that if you would be nice they would use that against you.
But now that I talked with HIM I can’t help but smile every time he says something – anything. And I don’t understand why? What is so special about him? The fact that he is perfect or the fact that he is talking to me? The problem is that because of talking only through the chat I fear that he is unreal. That he will disappear any minute.
And we want to meat each other. We even talked about what it would look like. What would happen. And we came to the obvious conclusion that if I would show up, I would probably freeze and would be too shy to do anything.
And because of that I don’t want to meet him. I rather for him to be a vivid picture in my imagination, than someone who would actually have a chance to get to know me.
I know that because even if we would meet, it would happen in about a year. And if I learned one thing from the last time, I know that guys don’t wait that long.