What am I even doing?

I should be concentrating on writing my book. On getting a clear idea of what my future is going to look like. On this blog. On getting my self to a releasable shape.

Not on a boy. – A boy that for all I know can be just an idea.

I feel like we’re going around in circles lately. Doing the same routine things. We talk about weather, how are day was (which is mostly boring) then we have a break not because we want to but because there is nothing to say, lastly ending with a great conversation that makes me believe that this whole fiasco actually makes sense.

But not yesterday.

Yesterday was the first day that I purposely left my WiFi off. Yesterday was also the first day that I actually didn’t mind to concentrate on the movie and not text him. And yesterday was also the first day that when we say goodnight he didn’t send a kiss.

He told his best friend and his sister now. And since then I can’t stop the feeling like I’m on a constant test somehow. He tells them somethings we talk about. And I understand. I tell my family to. But even though my families opinion on him is surprisingly good, I can’t help feeling …under some sort of pressure.

Yesterday I have made a mistake. I have pranked him that we can’t text anymore. He said that he nearly got a heart attack. And now I’m afraid that if it will come to it (the end), he won’t believe me or worse he will hate me.

And then we also have the dream problem. I know I know. We don’t choose what we dream about. But he dreamed about me – at least that’s what he says. And for some reason I can barley imagine his face, when I’m awake.

I suppose that it comes down to it that we have never met and I have never seen him in real life. But there’s just this deep desire for it in my mind that I just can’t stop thinking about it.

The thing is that it’s all very complicated. We’re friends. But at the same time we act as if we weren’t. We act as if we were … together? I honestly don’t know. And this is what’s annoying me. Because if our relationship would be clearly stated to be FRIENDS – then I wouldn’t be afraid to just tell him, ‘Hey, listen I love you but I’m watching a movie so text you in two hours.’

And hopefully by now he would learn how to cope with this.

But we never had a phase of friends. Or getting to know each other. It all just happened so weirdly and suddenly that now I feel that I need to keep up. And I don’t think I can do it for much longer.

But the point of this is, that I’m really afraid that this week is going to be our last. And whatever I said today, doesn’t change the fact that every single time (even when we talk about that boring stuff) he creates a smile on my face.

EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME! 😥

 

 

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