This post was supposed to be … upsetting.
I would’ve probably wrote it and half way thorough it, I would discover moisty, rosy cheeks.
And what, ironically, stopped this from happening, was a little girl in a pink dress running around the church like a monkey.
(For those late to the party – I am not the biggest fan of children.)
Now you might be wondering why on earth would something like this influence my decision. Well the reason is simple … God.
You see I know that maybe for you it may seem silly. But I honestly believe that when she looked at me with her ginormous aqua blue eyes and smiled, it was God saying ‘Hey, it’s going to be okey.’
And as shitty as today was, I forgot that God was all the time beside me. And foolishly I have decided to close all the pain and worry inside of my heart. As a result lashing out on my parents. And this upsets me the most of all. Why? Because if I’m upset there is no way I will tell. I might show but then deny it every time asked. And then, it’s a never ending circuit of me being upset, my parents asking me, which makes me even more upset because I can’t tell them, thus I close my self more because the gulp in my stomach is even bigger.
The thing is that I wanted to right something like, “Today was too horrible,to think about it. And them asking questions was not making it any easier. Besides if I would tell them they would only worry. And that, is the last thing I want.”.
But after seeing that girl all happy in her innocence bubble, I became so jealous. It was as if I lost all the worries for the day and just became me again. Dancing on the most rich green grass in the middle of a birch tree forest.
And then I thought of my suicide thoughts. I mean they became irrational. Because why would I want to leave this beautiful place. Why would I ever want to leave my parents. My brother. Why would I want to give up and show everyone what a coward I am.
But then the bell rang.
And the reality came back.
The reality that indeed, I will never be able to speak about my feelings freely. And not even God will be able to help me.