You won’t understand …

I swear to God, if my mother will try to talk to me at home I will scream. 

There is no words to describe how I feel right now. 

I want to die. But I can’t wait till tomorrow. I want today to be over. I am dead tired. I feel more then guilty of being rude. But it wasn’t  my fault I just had too much to do. I feel embarrassed. I can’t breathe. I’m not able to cope. I am shaking inside. Every thought hurts.  Every word itches.  I want to cry but I have to be strong. I’m overexaggerating. But I don’t want room be strong.  I want someone to see what I’m feeling. But I I don’t want to show. I’m doing a crappy job at it. 

“God Kamila, it was jut a shitty day at work. Get over yourself!” – that’s what you would probably say if you knew why I feel like that. 

But it wasn’t. I mean it was.  But it wasn’t only it. Work was tragic and that started bringing up memories which re-floated yesterday. 

I felt again like that bird in a cage. That’s how I described it to my favourite teacher when she was on a final mission to sort our my bullying situation. Always afraid to speak up because of what might happen. Never being able to say the full truth because your responsible one for the consequences. Which for just one person might be not the best. But you’ve been brought up as a good hearted person. No. You are just like that. Hurting others is what makes you go insane. Yes you do it. Sometimes our of anger. Sometimes because they don’t understand and you blow. Sometimes because your confused and the easiest thing is to lie. 

And now your sitting on a path in front of the canal and thinking how nice it would be to just jump in. How nice would it be to just drown. Maybe not yourself. But maybe… Honestly you don’t know anymore. You just don’t want to exist. But why? Nothing much happened. 

Why do you constantly want to cry? 

What’s wrong? 

Ahscdmdjdyxbejaisvzjhzbdgslayrmysnavlaudbd qludbsjd eh d uxnsuanavksudbwjajaoalagakaibdnxhxj 

that’s  what happened … now fuck off ! 

Told you … 

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