Well … Fuck.

To day I guess you could say I had an epiphany. I found out what my biggest fear is.

And to some bizarre wonders of this very fucked up indeed world, its not something like drowning or getting burried alive(although that scares the living shit out of me … Hmm wait would that mean that I would die instantly of fear ?? Dude ! Ha ! I am a GENIUS ๐Ÿ˜).

But as much as those things scare me they’re avoidable or at least I don’t think about it daily.

Be honest Kamila – this is a safe space.

Ugh. Fine. Hourly.

HONEST!!!

FINE!!! ALL THE TIME!!! Happy??

Yes. Very.

But how can I not be thinking about my biggest dream.

You said fear.

Exactly.

I think about my biggest dream all the time. Beacsue I see it everywhere. It’s physically and mentally impossible to think otherwise. It’s on the street when I walk by a kissing couple, it’s in the shop when they rush to tap their card first, it’s that older couple in the aeroplane or the bus, it’s the mum of four kids ordering their rolls just like they want them, it’s the boyfriend buying flowers for his girlfirend, it’s the love that my friend has for his girlfriend.

To feel love.

That is my biggest dream. It always was and will be that. And I believe that few months ago I wrote “My biggest current dream”, and in it I have described meeting Him. But the thing is … I was hoping to fall in love at first sight. At first touch. Stupid. I know. But it doesn’t change the fact that I always had the same dream.

And to some people I lie. I lie and say that my biggest dream is to be able to provide for my family. But that, my dear friends, is my second biggest dream.

But then what is your biggest fear ? Falling in love ?

Yes. You could say that.

I mean really it’s is opening up. Showing someone my vulnerable side. Telling them my boring stories from the past. Telling them my my current worries. My thoughts.

Just update by the way on my suicidal thoughts; since they have returned two months ago they haven’t stopped. In fact they have intensified.

Back to the topic.

Okay so my biggest fear is to open up.

Why?

Well, because it seems like every time I do open up it’s causing trouble. I open up to my mum and we end up fighting and crying, I open up to my friends and it gets unreasonably awkward, I open up to Baran and we fight about me not opening up, I opened up to Grzesiek and he abandoned me, I opened up to Him and the bubble burst.

And since you can’t fall in love without opening up … I’m fucked.

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