T.F.

I don’t understand. 

I am sad. 

To be honest dad has put me in this mood. And mum walked out when I was getting better. I don’t blame her. She was crying. And I didn’t really have a reason to be sad. I mean dad gave out to my brother, and causead mum to cry. But what else is new?

Today morning I was really happy. Daniel enoyes the shit out of me but he is always making me laugh even by being him idiot self. 

(Daniel if you’re reading this by some bizzarly odd coincidence, you’re not really an idiot. I just like that word.) 

😀

But then I came home and everything went down hill from that. First I had to stay here, in the house, because I have no friends and dad would not go with me to bray (our place). And then my brother wanted to avoid a fight with dad so he asked him a question which turned out to be the biggest trigger for a fight in days and BOOM ! 

We have a red dangerous dinosaur, a crying willow, suicidal thoughts, and a song. 

Ps those thoughts were not mine. 

And then I texted Mr gentleman. Not that I wanted to. Or not that I had other choice. But again he wasn’t pleased and thus I felt horrible. 

Beacsue who says that Sean likes me? Who says that I don’t annoy him aswell. Or Daniel. Or Katie? Or Tina? Or any other human being I had contact with. And the guys I’m texting online … Well they never met me. They think that I am a normal person. But I’m not.

I’m boring. Stupid. And most of all have no life. And that just makes me a liar. 

I try. I prayed to God for courage. Still. And I feel like he’s ignoring me. 

I feel like I’m screaming for help. And all I get is, “scream louder”. 

I want to cry but I keep having this thought in my head that I’m not allowed. I am supposed to be happy. I have a happy family. I have a roof over my head. I read somewhere that people are dying in tragedies. I’m not. I am lucky. I am. I really am. And yet I feel like I have the biggest bad luck on this earth. 

To be honest I blame my dreaming and thinking and mind in general. But would I think differently if parents pushed me to things I didn’t feel comfortable doing? 

But God tells me that blaming others for your sorrows is not right. And his right. It’s not like I wasn’t allowed to do things I was afraid of.  So, its my fault. 

Me having shitty life is my fault. And I hate myself for it. 

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