I deleted my gg acount. I said I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready. I was forced to by my friend who said that it would be best.
The problem is that I don’t know do I regret it.
Side note: GG is a polish chatting website on which I meet strangers and talk with them. Used it mainly for boredom fillers. That is of course until I met Him.
-We thought you weren’t going to mention this person anymore.
Yeah I know. But you see that’s the problem. It’s impossible to forget about him.
There are those moments when I laugh. That’s mainly in work. Or when my mind is occupied – completely with something totally different. But there is always a tiny thought in my head. Everyting reminds me of him. Me baking an apple crumble. Listening to specific songs. Turning on the TV and seeing his favourite show. Even my pet hamster ‘Latte’. Me playing the piano. Waking up in the morning and not being able to breathe. Fights with my parents.
I feel like there are just some things that no one will get the way he did. Even if he did it as part of his sick joke.
And then there is this part – and that’s the most dominant. It is the jealousy. Because he reads my blog. And he knows exactly what’s in my brain. He knows exactly what my thoughts look like. Exactly how I feel. Exactly what I talk about. After all this is a diary. But I don’t have that privelage. I have no way of finding out how he is. And what is in his brain.
And one might say, “Well, why don’t you stop posting for a while?”
And there are a number of reasons for that. First of all I feel like you are my best listeners. You do not judge my thoughts and don’t give me advice on how to cope. Second of all I don’t want to stop because this helps me … Maybe in the most bizzare way but it does. Lastly there is a part of me that doesn’t want him to stop reading. Beacuse 1. Then I can tell him how I feel. And 2. I hope that he feels guilty because of it.
Although that last bit probably never happens … Instead what happens probably is that he laughs and calls me stupid and gullible.
And the sad part is that he would have the right to say that because it’s true.
I am stupid and gullible. I know that.
But I think there is improvement. I don’t have hope anymore. I mean I do. I always will. But its faint. Nearly see-through. The thing that occupies me now is want.
But I don’t think that will last much longer either. I think that if I get into college. And if I start attending (that is IF because I have a strong temptation to end my life after I get the notification whether I got in or not) it would get better. I would stop wanting.
The question is though will I last?