Two faced?

What should I do ?

The ‘substitute manager’, we’ll call her Doc (because she studies some medicine programme), always gives out about people at my work not doing their shit. And mostly about guys. Which just so happens, they are my work friends. Yes, I rather work with them than her, even though I have nothing against her as a human being. But when she gives out about them I stay quiet. I don’t defend them, neither do I agree with her.

Also I don’t always tell them that she was moaning about them.

So does that make me twofaced ?

And even if not, then could we not define ‘being twofaced’ as having many faces, a different one for each of the people in our lives?

Because in that case I am. I act confident in front of my work friends when in reality I am shy. Why do I act confident? Out of fear of rejection? Maybe I think that if they will see me as someone confident they will respect me? Maybe even they will think I am worthy of their friendship?

But you see even though I am somewhat myself around my real friends – not always trying to pretend that I am smarter or more confident than I actually am – it doesn’t stop me from over thinking is something wrong with me and what have I done wrong to them.

Because still with my real friends I am afraid of what they’ll think of me. In fact all I think about at home is whether or not I did something wrong and how would I make them (MY FRIENDS. – people who supose to like me just the way I am) like me and not hate me. How can I suck up to them, to make them realise that I am worthy of their attention. And every single time I end up with the same conclusion. That they, and the world, would be better of without me. That they don’t need me.

Or the fact that I am a hugger but I stop myself anytime I am about to touch any person just because I am convinced that they are discussted by me and they would not want to be near me not to mention touch in any way.

And does this mean that I am a bad person? Does hiding your true self from the ones you like, or even care for and love, means that you are a twofaced person?

And if so how can I not be if the fear of hatered and rejection is overwhelming me?

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Concert.

The lights dim. One by one. Thousands of conversations calm and then altogether raise in one coherent roar. The blackness soon takes the shape of the night sky, as tiny dots of bright light come to life. And as the guitar sound echoes through the arena, he comes onto the stage and suddenly nothing else matters.

Not your grades. Not your boyfriend or girlfriend. Not your sick mother. Not your depression. Nothing.

Just him.

The crowd.

And the song.

What happens after the lights are back on?

You see that indeed he was nothing more than a good singer. And you … You are a miserable, broken little insect that they want to extinguish.

Ps. Sorry .. Originally the post was meant to be happy .. I don’t know what happened.

Comforting demons.

Sometimes I feel weird…

Like I don’t fully understand what I’m feeling. I’m not sad .. completly but I’m not happy either.

I am not satisfied with existing but the thoughts about the future are calm and just quiet enough for me to be able to ignore them.

My restless leg syndrome is not helping. Its like my legs are numb, itchy, tired and full of energy all at the same time. I want to walk around the room. I want to lay down on my fluffy yellow carpet and let the sun heat my face so much that I would feel like I was at the ocean.

But it’s night. So I can’t.

I kinda feel like crying. The gap in between my ribs and lungs is overfiled with emptyness. I can feel my heart beating not too fast, but faster than usual.

And I feel like I’m no human. Not an animal. Not a thing. I am a compound of various elements that unfortunately make me, me. But I think I would rather be floating. Disperced all across the globe. Listening to peoples conversations. Touching surfaces that could hurt me.

Just for the fun of it.

My back wouldn’t be soar then. I would have none to begin with.

But I do. I am stuck in my bed like a paralyzed person. Pretending that I am alive. Feeling nothing and everthing. Maybe not as it is. I change things. In my head. I know I shouldn’t. I know I should accept the feelings just as they are. But I just hate some of them so fucking much. So I sqew them. I pretend they are worse or better than they are in reality.

And then I let a few tears dampen my pillow because I remember that after posting this, after a short prayer and after few bad thoughts I will be asleep.

And the demons will wake up the next time I will be alone.

To comfort me.

Ewww. Life.

Just to let you know I wrote this post about a week ago forgot to post it … Re read it now and it was shit sooooo here I go again..

Hi!

For those uninformed I am a girl.

And coincidentally I am exreamly socially awkward. Soooo my relationship status has been single for a while.

-😂😂Kamila please.. We are friends here and we know you are a loner … Just admit it.

Ugh fine. Yeah I may have never been in a relationship. But its not like I never had opportunities. Just I never had good opportunities.

And as it turns out one night I was dreading became the best night I could have imagined. The aftermath however not so glittery.

You see I met a boy.

– 

Stop it ! He’s really nice and smart.

So far that’s it. But I’m sure he has a lot more to offer.

Anyway, that’s not the poop.

The poop is that I really liked his friend too. Except JUST AS A FRIEND.

But he just either is oblivious to my signs, which by the way couldn’t be more obvious, or he just doesn’t give up.

So now I am stuck between the two and I have no clue what to do. Like obviously I want David (the Guy I like) but I don’t want to hurt Yash’s feelings either. Like I already told him no so many times. And now he’s asking me am I free on the weekend.

And yeah I am. But should I tell him ? Because I do kinda wanna meet him but so that we become friends nothing else. But is that not playing with his heart?

Ugh … Life is so difficult.

UPDATE:

Okay so, once again I forgot to post this … I am getting horrible at this.

But maybe it’s not so bad because I have tea.

– We’re not thirsty, Kamila.

Jesus, goss? Juicy bits? No?

– We get it you like you citruses.

UGH. Never mind. I met up with Yash. AND David. AT ONCE!

– O my God! World war three!

Seriously, if you ever are in this situation DON’T INVITE THE OTHER GUY EVER!!!!!!!

Basically what happened was I told Yash I’m free, he invited me to a hike. I told David that I’m going. He was surprised and it was awkwardly silent so I blurred out does he wanna come, unfortunately he agreed. I texted Yash, he had to agree, but he was confused so I told him that me and David like each other, gave him opportunity to call it off, but unfortunately he didn’t. Then he was silent the majority of the time, while David was showing off what a bad-ass he was while in realty he wasn’t.

Now, Yash is not talking to me, David thinks we are gonna get married and I am strongly considering whether I ever want to meet him again.

So, what’s the moral of the story?

GUYS SUCK AND I AM AN IDIOT!

 

Good enough.

I had a friend once. I wanted to fall for him. I did. Unfortunatelly.

Today I think I had a date. With DAVID. He is hmmm how would I say it? The first guy who had guts to ask me out. Honestly though, I think he thought I was an easy target. Do I mind it? Hell no!

He is smart, a little funny, brave, tall, and he remembers stuff.

But is that good enough?

He thinks I’m beautiful. It’s sad don’t you think ? I don’t want to be the girl that gets the guy for her looks. But do I have anything to offer? No.

You see the problem is that I don’t think I like him. I mean he’s cool. But I think I need a little more than “you’re cute”.

Than again … Does that matter? No. Because everyone expects me to get into a relationship with him. And I just don’t think I can. At least not yet.

Esspecially because the comparing didn’t stop. He’s still not good enough. Not as good as HIM.

But I think none of this matters. I have to get with him just so they would be happy.

Prayer.

First of all … how are you?

I mean it. I want to know. I am not too bad but sparkling not either. I’m kinda going through a major life crisis right now. But that’s not important. You are though. So if you feel like sharing .. then do so down below. I would love to know how you are.

Secondly, I am going through a major boy drama (not that major actually) but ya know, so expect a boy rant soon.

Now! Too long intro. But now that we have the house keeping done, today I went to church and there was this very smart priest there.

Now he wasn’t just a priest he was a teacher. And today was actually the second last day of 9 day course he’s been giving to our parish.

He was talking about prayer. This intrigued me simply because prayer for me is one of the most difficult parts of being christian. SO I LISTENED. And guess what?

-You fell asleep?

NO! I HEARD!

-okay?

So basically he was talking about how when we pray we just talk. We just think too much and then the prayer isn’t worthy. This way we don’t get to know God. And so he said that one of the ways to get rid of all those thoughts is just to block them by repeating the word, ‘GOD’ or ‘SIN’.

Now, I have no way of telling is this right. BUT! I do know that I will try, because God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.

What more, if you are religious – in any way and like to pray, than why don’t you do that tonight? Before you fall asleep, close your eyes, and think of him. And most importantly LISTEN.

Ewww. Life.

Just to let you know I wrote this post about a week ago forgot to post it … Re read it now and its shit sooooo here I am again..

Hi!

For those uninformed I am a girl.

And coincidentally I am exreamly socially awkward. Soooo my relationship status has been single for a while.

-😂😂Kamila please.. We are friends here and we know you are a loner … Just admit it.

Ugh fine. Yeah I may have never been in a relationship. But its not like I never had opportunities. Just I never had good opportunities.

And as it turns out one night I was dreading became the best night I could have imagined. The aftermath however not so glittery.

You see I met a boy.

Stop it ! He’s really nice and smart.

So far that’s it. But I’m sure he has a lot more to offer.

Anyway, that’s not the poop.

The poop is that I really liked his friend too. Except JUST AS A FRIEND.

But he just either is oblivious to my signs, which by the way couldn’t be more obvious, or he just doesn’t give up.

So now I am stuck between the two and I have no clue what to do. Like obviously I want David (the Guy I like) but I don’t want to hurt Yash’s feelings either. Like I already told him no so many times. And now he’s asking me am I free on the weekend.

And yeah I am. But should I tell him ? Because I do kinda wanna meet him but so that we become firends, nothing else. But is that not playing with his heart?

Ugh … Life is so difficult.