Plan.

Travel. It is something at least 50% if not more of people inhabiting this beautiful diverced, full of unusual smells, sounds and tastes, planet, want to do. 

Everywhere you go in your own city you will see the tourist offices. Or the trip advisor places calling out the wonderful lands of the unfamiliar. And while your temptation grows thicker and deeper within your heart, your wallet stays drowned by anorexia. 

Because the life must go on.

So instead of going to those places. Eating those foods. Singing with those strangers late at night in a language that you don’t know.

You live. 

Excause me. 

*You die. 

Because if that’s your dream what sort of life are you living ? What are you living for? 

Nothing. 

And I’m exactly in that position. 

You see for a long time I wanted to travel – see the world. I also wanted to become a volunteer and help those in need. So – I found a solution. 

I will travel as part of a voulenteer programme. Yes I won’t see New York just yet, but I will see something else. I will live through an adventure. 

The only things that is stopping me now is money. But I’m not gonna let it. I’m gonna save up and then I will spend it. Because there’s no point in me saving it forever. 

I’m going to have a job when I grow up. A proper job. And that will have to do for my bills. And now I have to travel while I’m young and have the time. 

And if you’re the same, no money is not an excuse. It’s only a reason you give yourself so that your consciousness would be quiet. Because if you really want something you will fight for it. And you will fight hard until you get it. 

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Label me.

You know the way we as the 21st century generation hate labels? And every time someone calls you a ‘geek’ or a ‘princess/blond/plastic’ (you choose) we freak out and say that labels don’t exist and I can be whoever the fuck I want to be?!

Well, what if I label myself? 

You see I came to a concluion, that I (and in my opinion not only I) label myself before anyone else will just so that I would 

  1. Know where my place is in the social food chain.
  2. Wouldn’t be hurt by someone. 

Thus, I label myself as unworthy. As a piece of shit. As an idiot. As an undefined mass of human meat that could be slaughtered and no one would notice. 

But labels aren’t true right? Their just labels. But what about the fake it till you make it rule ? 

After a while you start believing in your own lies. And then … You become one with them. 

And they become true. 

You see what if I was so afraid of being loved by someone but at the same time I wanted it so fucking bad that initially I sabotaged myself into going mental ? 

There are things in this world that we cannot predict. Like for example my grandfather’s cancer. There is nothing we could’ve done about it. Thankfully the operation has been successfull and now he has a chance (not a big one, but at least he has one).

But there is something we can all do ourselves. That unfortunately includes me. 

We can pray to God for things like money, power, luck in a game. But with a little real luck, we will be healthy. And we should be grateful for that. And with even more luck we will be happy. And brave. To live so that everyday will count. 

It doesn’t mean that we have to go on adventures every day. But it means that instead of waking up and dreading to go to work we will be happy to do so. We will thank God for it. For the bread that we have. And we will thank him for everyone in our lives. Good and bad. Because everyone has led us to this place. To where we are now. 

And if you’re unhappy it’s not their fault. It’s yours. 

It’s my fault. 

Sorry.

I’m really sorry that I haven’t been posting lately. There were actually a few reasons for this.

  1. I have been flooded with work from college. Yeah who would’ve expected there to be things to do in a course such as multi-freaking-media. 
  2. I was writing posts but never got the chance upload them because I was forgetting and then simply lost interest in them all together. I don’t know maybe I will post them one day but for now I just want the chance to catch a breath. 
  3. I found out that my grandfather has cancer. 

Won’t go into too much detail, but for the past few weeks he was in and out of hospital getting different tests and procedures done and at last when we thought everyting was alright he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I think that because of everything that was going on I forgot that I had you. My friends. And when the gulp in my throat was too much because I had to tell someone, I realised that I had no one to turn to.

Dylan (another internet sensation) turned out great, we’re supose to meet soon. But then I found out that his father and himself have cancer too. His is probably easily removable. But, its not helping. 

I, obviously in that situation, wasn’t able to tell him. It would be just too much to handle. 

And it’s not like nothing’s good been happening because a lot of good has been happening. A LOT. But when I come home at night I don’t think about the good. I think about the bad and ugly. 

And for now that’s all I can’t think about. 

So, I’m really sorry to everyone who cares but I won’t be posting for the next few weeks. I don’t know how long. It could be two it could five. 

BUT !!! Before I go I just want to answer a few questions to my greatest sweetest and bestest (if that’s even a word) follower: teensworldbabyg 

I really appreciate that you read my blog. Seriously eveytime I see a notification from you, a smile instantly appears on my face. So here are the answers you’ve been looking for.

1.Where do you get you inspiration? 

 I get my inspiration from everyday situations and things. Literally it could be as simple as a bus drive in a traffic jam .. Boring thus I think and BOOM ! And idea.

2. Do you think you could go far with your blog? (I think yes😁)

Firstly thank you for believing in me❤❤. And secondly I don’t really think so. Not because I’m pessimistic and don’t believe in myself (although that’s a big part) but mainly because I am not consistent. I think to strive in such a place you need to really put all you got into it. Otherwise I think you will never get to your full potential. And I just don’t have the power in me to do it every day or more. 

3. How old are you ?

I am 19 year old. At least for another two months. (You can wish me happy birthday on the 27 of Jan.) Love my age but already would love to be old and have that shitty part of life behind me. 

4.How long does it take you to write a post? 

It depends. If I have time and particularly feeling it I can write a post within a half an hour (including reviewing adding tags and posting). If however I have an idea but don’t feel like writing it can take up to few days. Just because I write a sentence per day. Heh. But I’d say on average it takes me a day to write a post. That’s becsuse I don’t do it in one sitting of course. 

And that’s it you didn’t have any more questions 😊. 

I hope these were somewhat enterating and I hope you have a lovely time without me spaning your notice board. 

Ps. If anyone ever has anymore questions please don’t hesitate to ask and I promise that I will answer to all of them. 

I told you so.

That is what my mum should say to me right about now. Or if not my mum my dad. Or my granddad. Or any other adult that I have ever said to,”I want to be an adult already” as a child.

I honestly feel like there’s no need to explain or justify or argue in any way that we all (unless your a child) want to be children again. Especially when our worlds crack and break and stress squeezes the last drop of sweat and fear from us. 

If there’s any word to describe my college experience at the moment it’s apocalypse, at the very least. Too many assignments, too much probability I will fail half of them and too little time to figure it out. 

Before I started college my friend told me to keep busy… Thank you very freaking much BEN!!!

I just need some time to think. But as I mentioned before life is a little bitch. Yes. The one with the blond ponytails smiling right at you. 

Did you ever step into dog poo? Now did you ever step into dog poo when you were on your way to a very important place? 

Or maybe you have spilled coffee or some other drink onto yourself just when you needed to look reasonable. 

Personally my favourite: did you ever forget something and were in more than deep shit because of it? 

Haven’t we all been there? All stuck in that heavenly pile of trouble-crap. And to think that in most cases an hour is all we would need to fix it. 

So how about take that one hour from that time you spend the entire night binge watching ‘Stranger Things’? 

AHA! But you can’t! – time laughs in your face and then he says, “should’ve thought about it before. Don’t make me say it!”

And you already know what it is… 

Challengeable? Or Manageable? 

Is staying happy and positive hard? 

I mean if people are honest shouldn’t it be easy? On the other hand it is good to be happy? That’s the whole point isn’t it?  To provide your customer with a satisfactory service. 

Think about it. 

When your going to a shop, a restaurant, a petrol station or a doctor, you expect them to be all smily and happy and helpful. 

Did you ever get served by a moany fatter older man screaming ‘NEEXXT!!’ just as you leave the till. 

Yeah exactly. And was it nice? 

And isn’t that selling happiness? Selling the idea that “our service will guarantee you a pleasant time” “you will not regret it”. Don’t you think its a little redundant.

Is selling happiness even possible? 

Okay everyone knows it is. And indeed happiness sells very well. The peoblem with that is that it makes everyone’s day worse rather then better. 

Maybe not on the surface but underneath definitely. You lie to your costumer if your showing yourself always happy. Not everyday is good so why do you make it so ? Then the costumer on the other hand is being the one lied to. And how do you feel when you are lied to? 

Okay maybe it’s not as extreme especially in most cases we know the truth but subconsciously we do take in a little bit of sadness of that person into our lifes.

I, for example, always go to get the same ice cream in the same shop. And there is always this one girl there. She’s always tired and angry. And I always will try to smile at her and cheer her up. And all she does it smiles quickly back servs me and moves on to do her job. 

I don’t know maybe I’m too empathic. Or maybe I’ve been there too, too many times and I know exactly what she feels like.

But trust me I honestly feel her pain.

And this makes me wonder am I doing a good job? 

I always try to smile and stay positive but then there are some days in which I just deeply want to give up. Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone or drive them away with my problems? 

You see now I met a guy on tinder. (Yes I do realise it’s idiotic. But if I ever have a chance of giving my dad kids-yes I’m thinking about it- it’s the only way.) You see what makes this guy special is two things. One the fact that he has a motorbike and that puts him up there already but two we live extreamly close to each other. So close in fact that he has drove by while I was on the bus stop THREE TIMES ALREADY!! 

And this is knew for me. Because with HIM I never new that he was real. I just decided to believe it. But with mr stranger (that’s what I call him) its easy. I don’t have to believe. I know. 

But beacuse I really think I have a chance with this guy I don’t want to ruin it. And I know as soon as he’ll find out he will laugh at me and walk away, thinking what an idiot. 

He wouldn’t be wrong.

But from now on I am happy. And I’m not going to let this get in my way. I will shut up and act as if he’s my favourite costumer. Its what I do at home anyway.. 

So what difference will it make…

Year.

The song– The lord of the rings: The fellowship of the Ring.

Today is a year – to the day – when I started wrting this horrible bullshit about my life.

YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYYEYEYEYEYEYYEYEYEYEYEYEYEY!!!!!!!

Let’s see how I’ve done. What progress have I made?

Well I started with zero words, zero followers and 1 massive ambition / idea.

Now I have, an X amount of words – I suppose it’s a rather large amount.

I have lured in 53 followers – which is more than I have on Instagram and Twitter combined. (I just want to get a quick thank you to all who follow me. It seriously means the world to me.) Ps my twitter is @undecidedK soooooo ADD ME !!!

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Hmm what else??

A new Gif addiction.

A LOT less time to watch movies and shizzz.

AND most importantly too much new content that I am looking forward to sharing with you guys, because let’s think about it by now I have quit college already a year ago, and this year today I have paid the rest of my college fees.  Which means I’m in. With my full heart and soul. And hopefully I can keep this up for another year and hopefully I can fill these pages with stories (not only about boys – as I did for the past year but with stories about college, friends, happy and sad moments, memories that I haven’t yet shared with you and maybe even a little fiction as well as non-fiction about my opinions about topics that I have no clue about.

Because friends, all I want, is for you to smile once in a while – especially when your having a crappy day and I’m having a crappy day, we can laugh and cry together.

BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT REAL FRIENDS DO!

But I decided to change things up a bit so now (maybe not every time but mostly) I will put a link to a song which you should listen to while reading this. And you will always find it on the very top.

Including today ^^.