Plan.

Travel. It is something at least 50% if not more of people inhabiting this beautiful diverced, full of unusual smells, sounds and tastes, planet, want to do. 

Everywhere you go in your own city you will see the tourist offices. Or the trip advisor places calling out the wonderful lands of the unfamiliar. And while your temptation grows thicker and deeper within your heart, your wallet stays drowned by anorexia. 

Because the life must go on.

So instead of going to those places. Eating those foods. Singing with those strangers late at night in a language that you don’t know.

You live. 

Excause me. 

*You die. 

Because if that’s your dream what sort of life are you living ? What are you living for? 

Nothing. 

And I’m exactly in that position. 

You see for a long time I wanted to travel – see the world. I also wanted to become a volunteer and help those in need. So – I found a solution. 

I will travel as part of a voulenteer programme. Yes I won’t see New York just yet, but I will see something else. I will live through an adventure. 

The only things that is stopping me now is money. But I’m not gonna let it. I’m gonna save up and then I will spend it. Because there’s no point in me saving it forever. 

I’m going to have a job when I grow up. A proper job. And that will have to do for my bills. And now I have to travel while I’m young and have the time. 

And if you’re the same, no money is not an excuse. It’s only a reason you give yourself so that your consciousness would be quiet. Because if you really want something you will fight for it. And you will fight hard until you get it. 

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Ahhh jealousy.. Isn’t it beautiful?

Why are girls so fucking jealous of their boyfriends?? 

And on that note guys – you too suck!

But I want to focus on girls first. 

I cannot emphesise how many times I had a girl look at me dirty or suddenly kiss her guy beside me or in front of me just because I looked their way, or as in one case was getting a lift from her boyfriend.

Yeah, that look and “who’s that?” said in the coldest of tones possible(imagine Hitler saying that to his daughters boyfriend who’s a jew) will never leave my memory. Oh the best is the part where he says “She’s just my friend. Not even, she’s my friends sister.” And when we’re on our own he would always talk how we should organise a party and stuff. 

Yeah. “Auch”.

But then you have girls jealous to the point where friendships with their boyfriends are impossible. Like wtf?? Are we living in the 19th century or what? Beacuse the last time I checked I didn’t see girl’s running in trucks as dresses and guys reciting sheakspear to them at their balcony. 

Seriously, I had two friendships already (obviously over a chat – don’t ask stupid questions !) that all fell apart because a stupid girl was too jello!!!! 

And then with those friendships the guys were the same so they kept on loosing the girl and having to fight for her again. 

Like GOD !!! Is this ever gonna end? 

-Yeah we’re getting bored …

Sh.

What happened to a free will?? What happened to “this is a free country”?!?!? …. And yes I know that I live in Ireland not America but still !!!!!

-Kamila calm down it’s not like you will ever be in that situation… 😂

WOW !! Thanks ..

Fine! Maybe I won’t ever have a boyfriend and stories to tell my children. Maybe I will end up alone and the only thing anyone will ever be jealous of me, will be my warm sweater that I will make myslef!

But dreaming is allowed right?!

And this is not the topic of the conversation !!!

The topic is … CAN EVERYONE JUST GROW THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE JEALOUSY FOR LITTLE KIDS WITH CANDY ?!?!?!?!?

Mad world.

You know when you get a new job somewhere and find this kind of sheet: 

Or 

And then you realise that everywhere its the same hilarious bullshit.

For example: 

There is a strickt policy on discounting the products in this store. Anyone found discounting prices will be dismissed. 

Yeah like I will not make a deal with my friend to never charge for food.

Or this:

All staff wishing to buy a product must be served by a different staff member.

So are you saying that I have to wait 20 minutes to be served because the que is soo long and then only have 10 minutes for break … Nah ah 

What’s even worse, after working few weeks you will get the biggest revelation of all – THE RULES ONLY APPLY TO THE UNIMPORTANT HOES LIKE YOURSELF!

Yes ! 

Not the manager. .. Obviously !! 

Not the full time staff that’s been working there for years. 

Not the pretty eyed boy that got the job because his gramma is the neighbour of the owner. 

Just you and a bunch of other honest, hardowrking, dilligant, well trained losers. 

Its funny becsuse really those rules should only apply to the others.. 

But it’s a …

mad world.

Nearly everything …

Have you ever faked being sick or honestly wanted something to be wrong with you (short term or long term) that would cause someone to have to take care of you? 

Have you ever been looking for attention so much so that you would hurt yourself just to get a little bit of it? 

And is this level of attention seeking too much? Or wrong? 

But what if we just want to feel loved? What if we just once want to feel that someone cares for us? 

Are all the good deeds we ever done not enough to grant us forgiveness for that one guilty pleasure? 

Think about it … Imagine this …

Your mother died when you were 10. You father went into seriously bad drinking addiction. Your sister has a boyfriend and prefers to spend time with him then you. You stay up all night watching romantic movies, wishing of love. You spend the entire bus drives reading about beautiful friendships. You have a friend, but you never felt comfortable enough to tell her any secrets that you have. And then suddenly you are your on your own. No one Has ever really hugged you. No one has ever wanted to listen. And you ache for love, for warmth, for a touch of a hand is so much that you fall. Into the abyss of your mind. You find yourself on the ground in the middle of school and everyone in the 10 meter radius runs to form a perfectly shaped, circle around you. But you faked it. And you feel the guilt. But the attention is overpowering. It’s stronger than you thought – And you LOVE it!

So you do it again. And again. 

And again. 

And your dad suddenly starts to take care of himself, because he thinks that your harming yourself because of him. And your sister introduces you to her boyfriend and you go out together. And he teaches you cool tricks. And on the therapy session you meet a boy. You become the best of friends and you tell him everything. 

Well, nearly everything…

Label me.

You know the way we as the 21st century generation hate labels? And every time someone calls you a ‘geek’ or a ‘princess/blond/plastic’ (you choose) we freak out and say that labels don’t exist and I can be whoever the fuck I want to be?!

Well, what if I label myself? 

You see I came to a concluion, that I (and in my opinion not only I) label myself before anyone else will just so that I would 

  1. Know where my place is in the social food chain.
  2. Wouldn’t be hurt by someone. 

Thus, I label myself as unworthy. As a piece of shit. As an idiot. As an undefined mass of human meat that could be slaughtered and no one would notice. 

But labels aren’t true right? Their just labels. But what about the fake it till you make it rule ? 

After a while you start believing in your own lies. And then … You become one with them. 

And they become true. 

You see what if I was so afraid of being loved by someone but at the same time I wanted it so fucking bad that initially I sabotaged myself into going mental ? 

There are things in this world that we cannot predict. Like for example my grandfather’s cancer. There is nothing we could’ve done about it. Thankfully the operation has been successfull and now he has a chance (not a big one, but at least he has one).

But there is something we can all do ourselves. That unfortunately includes me. 

We can pray to God for things like money, power, luck in a game. But with a little real luck, we will be healthy. And we should be grateful for that. And with even more luck we will be happy. And brave. To live so that everyday will count. 

It doesn’t mean that we have to go on adventures every day. But it means that instead of waking up and dreading to go to work we will be happy to do so. We will thank God for it. For the bread that we have. And we will thank him for everyone in our lives. Good and bad. Because everyone has led us to this place. To where we are now. 

And if you’re unhappy it’s not their fault. It’s yours. 

It’s my fault. 

Sorry.

I’m really sorry that I haven’t been posting lately. There were actually a few reasons for this.

  1. I have been flooded with work from college. Yeah who would’ve expected there to be things to do in a course such as multi-freaking-media. 
  2. I was writing posts but never got the chance upload them because I was forgetting and then simply lost interest in them all together. I don’t know maybe I will post them one day but for now I just want the chance to catch a breath. 
  3. I found out that my grandfather has cancer. 

Won’t go into too much detail, but for the past few weeks he was in and out of hospital getting different tests and procedures done and at last when we thought everyting was alright he got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

I think that because of everything that was going on I forgot that I had you. My friends. And when the gulp in my throat was too much because I had to tell someone, I realised that I had no one to turn to.

Dylan (another internet sensation) turned out great, we’re supose to meet soon. But then I found out that his father and himself have cancer too. His is probably easily removable. But, its not helping. 

I, obviously in that situation, wasn’t able to tell him. It would be just too much to handle. 

And it’s not like nothing’s good been happening because a lot of good has been happening. A LOT. But when I come home at night I don’t think about the good. I think about the bad and ugly. 

And for now that’s all I can’t think about. 

So, I’m really sorry to everyone who cares but I won’t be posting for the next few weeks. I don’t know how long. It could be two it could five. 

BUT !!! Before I go I just want to answer a few questions to my greatest sweetest and bestest (if that’s even a word) follower: teensworldbabyg 

I really appreciate that you read my blog. Seriously eveytime I see a notification from you, a smile instantly appears on my face. So here are the answers you’ve been looking for.

1.Where do you get you inspiration? 

 I get my inspiration from everyday situations and things. Literally it could be as simple as a bus drive in a traffic jam .. Boring thus I think and BOOM ! And idea.

2. Do you think you could go far with your blog? (I think yes😁)

Firstly thank you for believing in me❤❤. And secondly I don’t really think so. Not because I’m pessimistic and don’t believe in myself (although that’s a big part) but mainly because I am not consistent. I think to strive in such a place you need to really put all you got into it. Otherwise I think you will never get to your full potential. And I just don’t have the power in me to do it every day or more. 

3. How old are you ?

I am 19 year old. At least for another two months. (You can wish me happy birthday on the 27 of Jan.) Love my age but already would love to be old and have that shitty part of life behind me. 

4.How long does it take you to write a post? 

It depends. If I have time and particularly feeling it I can write a post within a half an hour (including reviewing adding tags and posting). If however I have an idea but don’t feel like writing it can take up to few days. Just because I write a sentence per day. Heh. But I’d say on average it takes me a day to write a post. That’s becsuse I don’t do it in one sitting of course. 

And that’s it you didn’t have any more questions 😊. 

I hope these were somewhat enterating and I hope you have a lovely time without me spaning your notice board. 

Ps. If anyone ever has anymore questions please don’t hesitate to ask and I promise that I will answer to all of them.