What should I do ?
The ‘substitute manager’, we’ll call her Doc (because she studies some medicine programme), always gives out about people at my work not doing their shit. And mostly about guys. Which just so happens, they are my work friends. Yes, I rather work with them than her, even though I have nothing against her as a human being. But when she gives out about them I stay quiet. I don’t defend them, neither do I agree with her.
Also I don’t always tell them that she was moaning about them.
So does that make me twofaced ?
And even if not, then could we not define ‘being twofaced’ as having many faces, a different one for each of the people in our lives?
Because in that case I am. I act confident in front of my work friends when in reality I am shy. Why do I act confident? Out of fear of rejection? Maybe I think that if they will see me as someone confident they will respect me? Maybe even they will think I am worthy of their friendship?
But you see even though I am somewhat myself around my real friends – not always trying to pretend that I am smarter or more confident than I actually am – it doesn’t stop me from over thinking is something wrong with me and what have I done wrong to them.
Because still with my real friends I am afraid of what they’ll think of me. In fact all I think about at home is whether or not I did something wrong and how would I make them (MY FRIENDS. – people who supose to like me just the way I am) like me and not hate me. How can I suck up to them, to make them realise that I am worthy of their attention. And every single time I end up with the same conclusion. That they, and the world, would be better of without me. That they don’t need me.
Or the fact that I am a hugger but I stop myself anytime I am about to touch any person just because I am convinced that they are discussted by me and they would not want to be near me not to mention touch in any way.
And does this mean that I am a bad person? Does hiding your true self from the ones you like, or even care for and love, means that you are a twofaced person?
And if so how can I not be if the fear of hatered and rejection is overwhelming me?