Challengeable? Or Manageable? 

Is staying happy and positive hard? 

I mean if people are honest shouldn’t it be easy? On the other hand it is good to be happy? That’s the whole point isn’t it?  To provide your customer with a satisfactory service. 

Think about it. 

When your going to a shop, a restaurant, a petrol station or a doctor, you expect them to be all smily and happy and helpful. 

Did you ever get served by a moany fatter older man screaming ‘NEEXXT!!’ just as you leave the till. 

Yeah exactly. And was it nice? 

And isn’t that selling happiness? Selling the idea that “our service will guarantee you a pleasant time” “you will not regret it”. Don’t you think its a little redundant.

Is selling happiness even possible? 

Okay everyone knows it is. And indeed happiness sells very well. The peoblem with that is that it makes everyone’s day worse rather then better. 

Maybe not on the surface but underneath definitely. You lie to your costumer if your showing yourself always happy. Not everyday is good so why do you make it so ? Then the costumer on the other hand is being the one lied to. And how do you feel when you are lied to? 

Okay maybe it’s not as extreme especially in most cases we know the truth but subconsciously we do take in a little bit of sadness of that person into our lifes.

I, for example, always go to get the same ice cream in the same shop. And there is always this one girl there. She’s always tired and angry. And I always will try to smile at her and cheer her up. And all she does it smiles quickly back servs me and moves on to do her job. 

I don’t know maybe I’m too empathic. Or maybe I’ve been there too, too many times and I know exactly what she feels like.

But trust me I honestly feel her pain.

And this makes me wonder am I doing a good job? 

I always try to smile and stay positive but then there are some days in which I just deeply want to give up. Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone or drive them away with my problems? 

You see now I met a guy on tinder. (Yes I do realise it’s idiotic. But if I ever have a chance of giving my dad kids-yes I’m thinking about it- it’s the only way.) You see what makes this guy special is two things. One the fact that he has a motorbike and that puts him up there already but two we live extreamly close to each other. So close in fact that he has drove by while I was on the bus stop THREE TIMES ALREADY!! 

And this is knew for me. Because with HIM I never new that he was real. I just decided to believe it. But with mr stranger (that’s what I call him) its easy. I don’t have to believe. I know. 

But beacuse I really think I have a chance with this guy I don’t want to ruin it. And I know as soon as he’ll find out he will laugh at me and walk away, thinking what an idiot. 

He wouldn’t be wrong.

But from now on I am happy. And I’m not going to let this get in my way. I will shut up and act as if he’s my favourite costumer. Its what I do at home anyway.. 

So what difference will it make…

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The things we don’t say.

Selena Gomez – Hit the lights.

Isn’t it funny how we mostly regret not the things that we said but the things we didn’t say?

Think about it…

When was the last time you were not texting a friend -a close friend. A friend that you would tell EVERYTHING to. Including the fact that you have corn in your poop.

Actually, just because you mentioned it… I do not have any corn in my poop. Although I didn’t check. But I’m pretty sure so you can stop worrying now. 😊

-Kamila you have just reached a new level of pathetic. 

What? I thought we were friends?!

ANYWAY

I am certain that in the last month  you wrote something that required you to think, “But maybe I shouldn’t. We’re not that close. Yeah I’ll just say ‘sleep tight sleepy head’. WAIT but is  that too little ? I mean I really want us to be friends and want to show him myself. But what if he thinks that I’m into him??? Omg !! Im just gonna sand ‘goodnight’ that will be politically correct.” 

Oh and don’t you dare say that you never thought like that. I think its just in our human nature. Overthinking, is what I believe, destroying us. And yes in some cases its better to shut up. I get that. But how many times did you walk away because you were to scared to talk to someone you liked. Or thought that it was inappropriate. 

And don’t you think it’s sad? 

And I don’t mean sick puppy sad. Because just the thought of that gives me tears.

Thank you. 

 Like me,  yesterday evening I was thinking for about half and hour before I send a text. Of course it wasn’t to my friend. And it wasn’t to an internet sensation. 

It was to Mr.Gentelman. And I know I know I’m not supposed to talk about that. But it lasted for 4 texts – ALLTOGETHER – so can you really count it?As my aliby, I was under the influence of alcohol(one Heineken). But every time(bar the first text) I regretted sending the text. I always had a great response and instead went for something plane and simple just to avoid him thinking that I like him. I was so stressed out that he might find out that I literally was holding myself back. 

And don’t you think that’s scary?

We’re always trying to fit in. Even in a stupid thing like a text. 

My brother overthinks 85% of his messages to his BEST FRIEND!! 

I had trouble sending a text warning people about a thief going around!!. 

And please don’t tell me that I’m the only fucked up person in this room. You are just as much human as I. Unless your a robot … Then 

Tick this box to prove it ₪[]

😂seee what I did there?????

Ugh by the way I don’t get why a robot wouldnt be able to tick a fudging box. 

Oh, and it was actually good that I texted him because I found out that I need to never do that again. This is because I don’t understand the Guy. Like what is “sound out” supposed to mean?? 

Okay enough chatter – stop worrying and text what you want to text. It’s a free world right? 

The first time? 

Search up “Rape me by Nirvana” and listen to it while you think what this will be about. I did. And now I cannot stop laughing. 

Hmmm…

Hi!

How’s it going ? 

You know I always wonder what will something be like before I do it. And then I create this whole vivid image of my expectations which (usually) are very high. And then BOOM! My dream crashes as I live through “the first time”.

Sooo…  Did you ever go on a first date? And is every “first date” first? And is it always soo fudging awkward???

Okay, look, I get it, we barely new each other and it was loud(which sometimes helped the situation) but overall I don’t think it went that great. 

And, my dear firends, it was beacuse we are too different. 

I mean yes we like the same movies … but that’s about it. He likes millitary stuff and I don’t. The closest to that is airsoft and I’m not even interested in that, that much.

And that’s just the start. Then we have the fact that he doesn’t listen to music. He said that he listens to one song over and over until he finds something new. And I’m the person that listens to different songs. The person that always tries to search for new music. The person who lives by music. And he plays an instrument. Cool right?

Get ready kids because I’m gonna change into a 100% judgmental bitch. 

He plays the bag pipes. THE BAG PIEPES!!!!

Can someone please shoot me? I was dreaming of a boyfriend who could play the guitar. Or if not then who could sing. Or if not who loved music. Or if not who would love the way I love music. And would love my terrible singing and playing the guitar. Not a bag pipe player. However, orignial it is.

And then you have the news. He adores the news. I mean listens and watches it religiously. And I’m just there like… “Eew.” (If you don’t know the reason for it I wrote a post about it called Stupid=Happy.)

Not to mention that he has a red car. RED!!! I mean sure it’s just a car. But Mr. Gentelman has nothing better, yet a silver shitty car has something more umm how would I call it ? Masculinity? About it. Is that even a word? .. It is now!

And while we’re on the topic of masculinity. One of the top requirements of me future boyfriend is the ability of killing a spider. And he is afraid of them… 

And it’s not like I am judging him beacuse of that. I am just finding it very difficult to imagine, him saving me from a spider in the future.

Or the fact that he doesn’t like horrors. He says that he’s scared but mostly he “just doesn’t find them interesting”. And in my world it’s the complete opposite. I mean yeah, I am scared. But it doesn’t stop me from enjoying them – especially if to the equation you add a cute boy holding my sweaty hand 😍. 

Then when I finally got the courage to ask the most important question, “What is your biggest dream?” he said to have a house. And that’s cool. I guess. I’m not judgmental of dreams beacsue their like your little private pearls of wonder that you’re trying to catch when you get the chance. I mean one of my dreams is to have stairs in a house for God’s sake. But-

-Kamila stop with this buts shit now!! You essentially moan about a great guy. Its like your looking for a hole in a whole. Get your shit together and go out with him again!

But it wasn’t like I was perfect either. 

I kept on repeating “cool” and “yeah” too. Although, I think that I gave a little more emotion into them. But I felt like I had nothing to offer to him. It was just him telling me about the things that I hadn’t had a chance to experience yet. And I was just like, “Yeah that sounds great!”. 

Quietness. 

Quietness.

Quiet-fucking-ness!!!!!!

So why the fudge would he be interested in me??? Its clear that we didn’t match! So tinder was wrong! 

Oh, yeah did I mention that I met him on Tinder? … 

And then the saying goodbye.

We said goodbye. We hugged. He hugged hard ..  (Personal space bubble – just saying). And then he really wanted to meet again. Like really and I was nice and said that I would like that too. And then after his thorough interview when I’m next available I said goodbye and began walking away …

Untill he grabbed me and gave me another sidewards hug. And friends let me just tell you … Bad memories came to the surface. 

And then I walked away smiling like the idiot that I am. And no. Not because I liked him but because of the crynginess.

Please say that you understand? 

The Missing Red Light.

It’s been about two weeks.

And to be honest I have been feeling a lot better. Thinking about the positives in my own life and not about the negatives of his. Yes, he was a good friend. He understood me. (To a certain degree). I showed him my perverted side and he took it in without making fun of me.(To a certain degree). I need to say that I really could have been myself around him.

The problem was that I never got the chance. He was very lonely – and I suspect that this was the reason for his attention seeking actions. You see every time I tried to tell him about what has been bothering me, he would always turn the situation upside down to make himself the focus of the problem.

And I mean not that he blamed himself for my worries – that was my job for him. But every time I would tell him about my family problems he would say that I have a good family and that it is his that sucks. Every time I wanted to talk about my loneliness and lost hopes for love, he would turn it around so that we would talk about his problem with that.

And as much as I enjoyed every time we spend laughing, and even the times when he dared me to do stuff I wasn’t comfortable with doing, they were the single times of happiness. Apart from that there was very little of a smile on my face. By the end I was thinking about suicide more than ever before in this year.

But  even though he has made mistakes – like everyone of us do – even ME!!!!!

-WHAT?!?!?!? NOOO KAMILA YOU ARE PERFECT!!!!

Aww thank you.

-That was sarcasm.

Thanks…

But seriously, I need to say that even though in majority I had a self-deprecating time with him I am missing that red light at the top of my phone that told me that I got a message. And trust me there was not a single time when I looked at it and it was off.

We spend so much time talking that now I feel a little empty.

Hopefully, though I will get back on the track, when I will start to actually go to stuff from college, be busy and have a life outside .. which means PARTIES!!!!

Image result for laughing gif

Oh stop it for God sake!! I can go to parties … I think…

First and only.

Right so you know the way I said no boy talk ever again?

….

Umm I totally go back on that 😊

So… Mr Gentleman. He goes to the same college as I. Now for the first week I honestly thought that I will bump into him sooner than later. And let me tell ya – THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. For the entire first week of college I was thinking (of course amongst other things) about our first encounter. I was so excited to go look into the engineering building to see it … or …

-Oh here she goes again!

Because I could see him. Mr. Gentleman. And that didn’t happen. So then I had to change my work arrangements, only to find out on Saturday that I was going to be working with him.

-Great !!! Yey !! Right?

No. You’re terrible at this you know?!

It was okay I guess. I worked with him. Was my casual awkward stupid self. showed of how clever I am when I loaded the recites paper wrong way and then panicked that there was no ink…

-Genius.

I know my brother calls me that too.

ANYWAY – totally off the topic.

We barely talked but I was brave enough to ask him about college. And it went out that he is only in for one module a week. Which in good case would result him in being here for two days for a few hours each time. So then my whole idea of us ever ‘bumping into each other’ vanished into thin air.

I automatically became more relaxed and suddenly didn’t even think about meeting him here. But you see when that happens, I usually see the person I’ve been thinking about for ages. And today was no freaking exception!!!

I mean God, you seriously work in frigging meritorious ways.

So, I was walking up to  the school though the alley at the back and BOOM!!! There I see his face in the crowd. Last nights beard still stuck to his round face. The little sparkles in his eyes and then his smile. And I mean me – as me – the first thing that popped into my head to say was “HII WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???”

Image result for face palm gif

Shhhh I am going through this enough already – GIVE ME A BREAK!

Anyway, of course followed by the answer “What do you mean? I was in, in the morning and I’m going home.”

And that my friends is not the end of awkwardness.

Then he went in for the ‘Hello hug’. And in my head I was like oh shit !!! It’s happening !! And honestly now it’s all a big blur but what I remember is that it literally was the most awkward thing I have ever done.

Followed by the response “Cool you will earn money!!”, when he said,”I’m working this afternoon”.

I don’t know maybe – as always – I’m overthinking it. Maybe I just need to get a life.

The problem with that is that I can’t stop smiling and reenacting this situation in my head over and over and over.

Which leaves me with this

  • And idiotic looking face
  • No concentration what so ever
  • Main task of coming in early (to join a society) not completed
  • A new blog post about a boy
  • Serious need to poop (although that was there before)

YEY!