Ewww. Life.

Just to let you know I wrote this post about a week ago forgot to post it … Re read it now and it was shit sooooo here I go again..

Hi!

For those uninformed I am a girl.

And coincidentally I am exreamly socially awkward. Soooo my relationship status has been single for a while.

-😂😂Kamila please.. We are friends here and we know you are a loner … Just admit it.

Ugh fine. Yeah I may have never been in a relationship. But its not like I never had opportunities. Just I never had good opportunities.

And as it turns out one night I was dreading became the best night I could have imagined. The aftermath however not so glittery.

You see I met a boy.

– 

Stop it ! He’s really nice and smart.

So far that’s it. But I’m sure he has a lot more to offer.

Anyway, that’s not the poop.

The poop is that I really liked his friend too. Except JUST AS A FRIEND.

But he just either is oblivious to my signs, which by the way couldn’t be more obvious, or he just doesn’t give up.

So now I am stuck between the two and I have no clue what to do. Like obviously I want David (the Guy I like) but I don’t want to hurt Yash’s feelings either. Like I already told him no so many times. And now he’s asking me am I free on the weekend.

And yeah I am. But should I tell him ? Because I do kinda wanna meet him but so that we become friends nothing else. But is that not playing with his heart?

Ugh … Life is so difficult.

UPDATE:

Okay so, once again I forgot to post this … I am getting horrible at this.

But maybe it’s not so bad because I have tea.

– We’re not thirsty, Kamila.

Jesus, goss? Juicy bits? No?

– We get it you like you citruses.

UGH. Never mind. I met up with Yash. AND David. AT ONCE!

– O my God! World war three!

Seriously, if you ever are in this situation DON’T INVITE THE OTHER GUY EVER!!!!!!!

Basically what happened was I told Yash I’m free, he invited me to a hike. I told David that I’m going. He was surprised and it was awkwardly silent so I blurred out does he wanna come, unfortunately he agreed. I texted Yash, he had to agree, but he was confused so I told him that me and David like each other, gave him opportunity to call it off, but unfortunately he didn’t. Then he was silent the majority of the time, while David was showing off what a bad-ass he was while in realty he wasn’t.

Now, Yash is not talking to me, David thinks we are gonna get married and I am strongly considering whether I ever want to meet him again.

So, what’s the moral of the story?

GUYS SUCK AND I AM AN IDIOT!

 

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Good enough.

I had a friend once. I wanted to fall for him. I did. Unfortunatelly.

Today I think I had a date. With DAVID. He is hmmm how would I say it? The first guy who had guts to ask me out. Honestly though, I think he thought I was an easy target. Do I mind it? Hell no!

He is smart, a little funny, brave, tall, and he remembers stuff.

But is that good enough?

He thinks I’m beautiful. It’s sad don’t you think ? I don’t want to be the girl that gets the guy for her looks. But do I have anything to offer? No.

You see the problem is that I don’t think I like him. I mean he’s cool. But I think I need a little more than “you’re cute”.

Than again … Does that matter? No. Because everyone expects me to get into a relationship with him. And I just don’t think I can. At least not yet.

Esspecially because the comparing didn’t stop. He’s still not good enough. Not as good as HIM.

But I think none of this matters. I have to get with him just so they would be happy.

Ewww. Life.

Just to let you know I wrote this post about a week ago forgot to post it … Re read it now and its shit sooooo here I am again..

Hi!

For those uninformed I am a girl.

And coincidentally I am exreamly socially awkward. Soooo my relationship status has been single for a while.

-😂😂Kamila please.. We are friends here and we know you are a loner … Just admit it.

Ugh fine. Yeah I may have never been in a relationship. But its not like I never had opportunities. Just I never had good opportunities.

And as it turns out one night I was dreading became the best night I could have imagined. The aftermath however not so glittery.

You see I met a boy.

Stop it ! He’s really nice and smart.

So far that’s it. But I’m sure he has a lot more to offer.

Anyway, that’s not the poop.

The poop is that I really liked his friend too. Except JUST AS A FRIEND.

But he just either is oblivious to my signs, which by the way couldn’t be more obvious, or he just doesn’t give up.

So now I am stuck between the two and I have no clue what to do. Like obviously I want David (the Guy I like) but I don’t want to hurt Yash’s feelings either. Like I already told him no so many times. And now he’s asking me am I free on the weekend.

And yeah I am. But should I tell him ? Because I do kinda wanna meet him but so that we become firends, nothing else. But is that not playing with his heart?

Ugh … Life is so difficult.

Boy talk.

Just don’t say I didn’t warn you this wasn’t comming.

Okay so in shortcut version : I went out with my brother and his friends, I met another one of his friends, his smart, handsome and funny sooooo KAMILA LIKES.

GET IT ? Great!

Now time forward a week and he texted me asking do I wanna join him and his friends to a bar.

Now, as the casual girl that I am .. And I totally don’t have a crush on him ……… I said “yeah sure I might”

And then I started freaking out, panicking and (my favourite) overthinking !

-Yeah totally no crush at all!

Okay, maybe a tiny bit.

Okay, maybe like a normal one, it’ll pass.

Fine ughhh I have a huge crush on this guy !!!

-Knew it !

And now all I am thinking about is what are we going to talk about. What should I wear. How should I great him ? Hug/no hug? Should I buy him a drink ? How will I buy myself a drink? What if I am awkward and turn out to be a total looser? How will I say goodbye? Will he walk me to the bus stop? If yes will I be cold and he will hug me ? Will we laugh? Will we connect? Does he even like me? What if he doesn’t even like me ? What if I am making this whole huge thing out of nothing. I mean it’s not a date for sure. But is it just a hang out? What if he wants to drug and abuse me? Nahhh he’s not like that. But what if he just wants to be friends ? Am I okay with that? Yes! Good! Wait! What if he doesn’t even want to be friends and was just being nice? OMG what have I got myself into?!?!?!?!?

You know the casual.

And the thing is its not like any other guy in my life.

This one I met. In REALITY. And we talked about something else than school and work. And most importantly I like him for his personality. I mean he definetly is very far from ugly. But personality is Key.

Sooooo yeahhh rant over. Thanks for listening. I think this easyness will last for another two minutes. But that’s okay I’ll handle it .. There are worse things in the world.

Consequences.

Can I just say that I HATE SAYING NO!

Especially when it comes to the situations when the timing sucks.

Okay so let me put this in a perspective for you. Imagine you had a friend and because things kept coming up you had to continuously reschedule the date for a catch-up b-day celebration.  And so finally you get the time off work, it’s the weekend and you make plans.

Great right?!

Welllll …. imagine that you are totally antisocial. And just about a week ago you made two friends.

Yeah, shocker, I know!!

Anyways, IMAGINE that just two nights before that catch-up friend A texts and asks you do you want to go away with her and her friends to another city for the weekend.

AGRGRGRGGRHHGHRGRHGRH

I was so devastated. And not because I didn’t want to go but because I couldn’t. One because of the friend and two because of work. And it sucks when you have to say no. What’s even more frustrating that she actually thought of me and wanted me to go. And what I’m afraid of is that because I said no this one time she will never ask me again. Is that even a rational fear?

Now imagine something even worse.

Imagine that one of those friends you made was a guy. And you liked him LIKED HIM!!!

And the next night one of his friend’s texts you asking do you wanna join them in a bar. And O MY DUDE DO YOU WANNA. LIKE YOU REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA!!!

But it’s half nine. By the time you would get there it would be 11. So there really isn’t much point. So, you need to say no. AGAIN.

And the loss and the bittersweet feeling combined with anger gives you the biggest cringe in the freaking world.

SO ….. I want to die now.

Maybe you don’t get it. But its those situations I hate. And what more I hate myself for them because I essentially put myself in this position. Because I didn’t have to say yes to that job. I didn’t have to ask my friend out. BUT I DID.

And as someone very smart6.1 once said EVERY CHOICE HAS CONSEQUENCES! 

So this picture is just because I like it and I took it sooooo yeahhhh 🙂

Challengeable? Or Manageable? 

Is staying happy and positive hard? 

I mean if people are honest shouldn’t it be easy? On the other hand it is good to be happy? That’s the whole point isn’t it?  To provide your customer with a satisfactory service. 

Think about it. 

When your going to a shop, a restaurant, a petrol station or a doctor, you expect them to be all smily and happy and helpful. 

Did you ever get served by a moany fatter older man screaming ‘NEEXXT!!’ just as you leave the till. 

Yeah exactly. And was it nice? 

And isn’t that selling happiness? Selling the idea that “our service will guarantee you a pleasant time” “you will not regret it”. Don’t you think its a little redundant.

Is selling happiness even possible? 

Okay everyone knows it is. And indeed happiness sells very well. The peoblem with that is that it makes everyone’s day worse rather then better. 

Maybe not on the surface but underneath definitely. You lie to your costumer if your showing yourself always happy. Not everyday is good so why do you make it so ? Then the costumer on the other hand is being the one lied to. And how do you feel when you are lied to? 

Okay maybe it’s not as extreme especially in most cases we know the truth but subconsciously we do take in a little bit of sadness of that person into our lifes.

I, for example, always go to get the same ice cream in the same shop. And there is always this one girl there. She’s always tired and angry. And I always will try to smile at her and cheer her up. And all she does it smiles quickly back servs me and moves on to do her job. 

I don’t know maybe I’m too empathic. Or maybe I’ve been there too, too many times and I know exactly what she feels like.

But trust me I honestly feel her pain.

And this makes me wonder am I doing a good job? 

I always try to smile and stay positive but then there are some days in which I just deeply want to give up. Maybe it’s just that I don’t want to hurt anyone or drive them away with my problems? 

You see now I met a guy on tinder. (Yes I do realise it’s idiotic. But if I ever have a chance of giving my dad kids-yes I’m thinking about it- it’s the only way.) You see what makes this guy special is two things. One the fact that he has a motorbike and that puts him up there already but two we live extreamly close to each other. So close in fact that he has drove by while I was on the bus stop THREE TIMES ALREADY!! 

And this is knew for me. Because with HIM I never new that he was real. I just decided to believe it. But with mr stranger (that’s what I call him) its easy. I don’t have to believe. I know. 

But beacuse I really think I have a chance with this guy I don’t want to ruin it. And I know as soon as he’ll find out he will laugh at me and walk away, thinking what an idiot. 

He wouldn’t be wrong.

But from now on I am happy. And I’m not going to let this get in my way. I will shut up and act as if he’s my favourite costumer. Its what I do at home anyway.. 

So what difference will it make…