The first time? 

Search up “Rape me by Nirvana” and listen to it while you think what this will be about. I did. And now I cannot stop laughing. 

Hmmm…

Hi!

How’s it going ? 

You know I always wonder what will something be like before I do it. And then I create this whole vivid image of my expectations which (usually) are very high. And then BOOM! My dream crashes as I live through “the first time”.

Sooo…  Did you ever go on a first date? And is every “first date” first? And is it always soo fudging awkward???

Okay, look, I get it, we barely new each other and it was loud(which sometimes helped the situation) but overall I don’t think it went that great. 

And, my dear firends, it was beacuse we are too different. 

I mean yes we like the same movies … but that’s about it. He likes millitary stuff and I don’t. The closest to that is airsoft and I’m not even interested in that, that much.

And that’s just the start. Then we have the fact that he doesn’t listen to music. He said that he listens to one song over and over until he finds something new. And I’m the person that listens to different songs. The person that always tries to search for new music. The person who lives by music. And he plays an instrument. Cool right?

Get ready kids because I’m gonna change into a 100% judgmental bitch. 

He plays the bag pipes. THE BAG PIEPES!!!!

Can someone please shoot me? I was dreaming of a boyfriend who could play the guitar. Or if not then who could sing. Or if not who loved music. Or if not who would love the way I love music. And would love my terrible singing and playing the guitar. Not a bag pipe player. However, orignial it is.

And then you have the news. He adores the news. I mean listens and watches it religiously. And I’m just there like… “Eew.” (If you don’t know the reason for it I wrote a post about it called Stupid=Happy.)

Not to mention that he has a red car. RED!!! I mean sure it’s just a car. But Mr. Gentelman has nothing better, yet a silver shitty car has something more umm how would I call it ? Masculinity? About it. Is that even a word? .. It is now!

And while we’re on the topic of masculinity. One of the top requirements of me future boyfriend is the ability of killing a spider. And he is afraid of them… 

And it’s not like I am judging him beacuse of that. I am just finding it very difficult to imagine, him saving me from a spider in the future.

Or the fact that he doesn’t like horrors. He says that he’s scared but mostly he “just doesn’t find them interesting”. And in my world it’s the complete opposite. I mean yeah, I am scared. But it doesn’t stop me from enjoying them – especially if to the equation you add a cute boy holding my sweaty hand 😍. 

Then when I finally got the courage to ask the most important question, “What is your biggest dream?” he said to have a house. And that’s cool. I guess. I’m not judgmental of dreams beacsue their like your little private pearls of wonder that you’re trying to catch when you get the chance. I mean one of my dreams is to have stairs in a house for God’s sake. But-

-Kamila stop with this buts shit now!! You essentially moan about a great guy. Its like your looking for a hole in a whole. Get your shit together and go out with him again!

But it wasn’t like I was perfect either. 

I kept on repeating “cool” and “yeah” too. Although, I think that I gave a little more emotion into them. But I felt like I had nothing to offer to him. It was just him telling me about the things that I hadn’t had a chance to experience yet. And I was just like, “Yeah that sounds great!”. 

Quietness. 

Quietness.

Quiet-fucking-ness!!!!!!

So why the fudge would he be interested in me??? Its clear that we didn’t match! So tinder was wrong! 

Oh, yeah did I mention that I met him on Tinder? … 

And then the saying goodbye.

We said goodbye. We hugged. He hugged hard ..  (Personal space bubble – just saying). And then he really wanted to meet again. Like really and I was nice and said that I would like that too. And then after his thorough interview when I’m next available I said goodbye and began walking away …

Untill he grabbed me and gave me another sidewards hug. And friends let me just tell you … Bad memories came to the surface. 

And then I walked away smiling like the idiot that I am. And no. Not because I liked him but because of the crynginess.

Please say that you understand? 

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It’s over.

You know the way there are those moments in your life where you meet someone. And then you start talking. You start to get to know each other. As that person opens up to you, with every word you tighten your grip on them. And you learn their smell. The way they feel in your hands. The way they will not ask you about your personal life if you don’t want them. And you go through so much. It is that one person that you can depend on when everyting goes shitty. When everything is about to fall into pieces, they’re there, always at your reach. There is no boring days with them.  But every day you want more. And they give it to you. 

Untill one day you reach the climax. You begin to realise that this will not last forever. Once they will give all of themselves to you, you will have to move on. You will have to find someone new. And this kills you. 

And when it happens you feel numb. You’re no longer inseparable. Now you’re in two different places. And they don’t feel anything. But you feel homesick. So you find yourself a new addiction. 

A new book. 

Auditions.

You can officially be proud. 

-Really? 

Yes!

-You came into position of some knoweledge? 

No?

-You finally worked up your guts to text Mr Gentleman? 

No. But your close. 

-You finally worked up courage to break into the science labs at night to come up with a formula for a new pill that gives you not only free candy feeling but also courage and good looks and INTELLIGENCE ?! 

Wow… Someone is feeling ill. And its not me -even though I have a little cold. 

Anyway your horrible at guessing.

I, my dear friends, have joined the drama society.

-Oh. 

-BORING !!!

Shhh. Anyway that was on Thursday and today I have my first auditions. In fact two of them. And what’s more – I really like the roles. The only problem is that now I am going up against not just a few shy and shaking first years, but about 100 experienced adults. And trust me now I feel like the shaking little first year. 

So what am I planning to do?

Go and give it my best. Sing a chorus of a song that I haven’t chose yet and then find out that I didn’t get it on Thursday. I will give it a shot. Beacuse how can I get it without trying?

And there’s three more plays to come and honestly if I won’t get them either, it doesn’t matter. 

I decided that I will try new things this year and I will. I will be brave and if not in every aspect of my life in this one I will. 

So be proud because I am 😁. 

The Missing Red Light.

It’s been about two weeks.

And to be honest I have been feeling a lot better. Thinking about the positives in my own life and not about the negatives of his. Yes, he was a good friend. He understood me. (To a certain degree). I showed him my perverted side and he took it in without making fun of me.(To a certain degree). I need to say that I really could have been myself around him.

The problem was that I never got the chance. He was very lonely – and I suspect that this was the reason for his attention seeking actions. You see every time I tried to tell him about what has been bothering me, he would always turn the situation upside down to make himself the focus of the problem.

And I mean not that he blamed himself for my worries – that was my job for him. But every time I would tell him about my family problems he would say that I have a good family and that it is his that sucks. Every time I wanted to talk about my loneliness and lost hopes for love, he would turn it around so that we would talk about his problem with that.

And as much as I enjoyed every time we spend laughing, and even the times when he dared me to do stuff I wasn’t comfortable with doing, they were the single times of happiness. Apart from that there was very little of a smile on my face. By the end I was thinking about suicide more than ever before in this year.

But  even though he has made mistakes – like everyone of us do – even ME!!!!!

-WHAT?!?!?!? NOOO KAMILA YOU ARE PERFECT!!!!

Aww thank you.

-That was sarcasm.

Thanks…

But seriously, I need to say that even though in majority I had a self-deprecating time with him I am missing that red light at the top of my phone that told me that I got a message. And trust me there was not a single time when I looked at it and it was off.

We spend so much time talking that now I feel a little empty.

Hopefully, though I will get back on the track, when I will start to actually go to stuff from college, be busy and have a life outside .. which means PARTIES!!!!

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Oh stop it for God sake!! I can go to parties … I think…

THANK YOU!!!

This literally happened over a night. 

I’m currently on 51 followers and I just want to say thank you so much. 

There really isn’t a way to express my gratitude. I know 50 for some people is very little. I know that some writers out there have few thousand. But for me this glorious 50 is more then I could ever ask for. It honestly feels like a million to me. 

So thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you !!!

Ps I’m still waiting for some questions to do a q&a as promissed so please feel free to ask any questions down below. 

Q and A.

Okay so I never even thought that anyone would want to follow my blog. And when the first person did I was puzzeled to say the least. 

And now that I am slowly reaching the magic half way to 100 I decided that it is a perfect opportunity to make a q&a. 

I actually never would’ve thought about doing it if not for one of my dearest followers @teensworldbabyg (ps check her out cause she’s awsome!!). But yeah I’m mainly doing it for her but also to celebrate the big 50. 

So please if you have any questions post them below and once I reach the 50 I’ll answer all.

Ps. I’ll repost this post every few days just so that everyone will get to see it.😊😊

First and only.

Right so you know the way I said no boy talk ever again?

….

Umm I totally go back on that 😊

So… Mr Gentleman. He goes to the same college as I. Now for the first week I honestly thought that I will bump into him sooner than later. And let me tell ya – THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. For the entire first week of college I was thinking (of course amongst other things) about our first encounter. I was so excited to go look into the engineering building to see it … or …

-Oh here she goes again!

Because I could see him. Mr. Gentleman. And that didn’t happen. So then I had to change my work arrangements, only to find out on Saturday that I was going to be working with him.

-Great !!! Yey !! Right?

No. You’re terrible at this you know?!

It was okay I guess. I worked with him. Was my casual awkward stupid self. showed of how clever I am when I loaded the recites paper wrong way and then panicked that there was no ink…

-Genius.

I know my brother calls me that too.

ANYWAY – totally off the topic.

We barely talked but I was brave enough to ask him about college. And it went out that he is only in for one module a week. Which in good case would result him in being here for two days for a few hours each time. So then my whole idea of us ever ‘bumping into each other’ vanished into thin air.

I automatically became more relaxed and suddenly didn’t even think about meeting him here. But you see when that happens, I usually see the person I’ve been thinking about for ages. And today was no freaking exception!!!

I mean God, you seriously work in frigging meritorious ways.

So, I was walking up to  the school though the alley at the back and BOOM!!! There I see his face in the crowd. Last nights beard still stuck to his round face. The little sparkles in his eyes and then his smile. And I mean me – as me – the first thing that popped into my head to say was “HII WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE???”

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Shhhh I am going through this enough already – GIVE ME A BREAK!

Anyway, of course followed by the answer “What do you mean? I was in, in the morning and I’m going home.”

And that my friends is not the end of awkwardness.

Then he went in for the ‘Hello hug’. And in my head I was like oh shit !!! It’s happening !! And honestly now it’s all a big blur but what I remember is that it literally was the most awkward thing I have ever done.

Followed by the response “Cool you will earn money!!”, when he said,”I’m working this afternoon”.

I don’t know maybe – as always – I’m overthinking it. Maybe I just need to get a life.

The problem with that is that I can’t stop smiling and reenacting this situation in my head over and over and over.

Which leaves me with this

  • And idiotic looking face
  • No concentration what so ever
  • Main task of coming in early (to join a society) not completed
  • A new blog post about a boy
  • Serious need to poop (although that was there before)

YEY!