First of all I would like to apologize for my lack of composure today. I am currently in mourning and crying.


Well, it’s not just my loss. It’s everybody’s. I am sending my condolences to the people of the 1800’s Scotland.


Wallace is dead!

-Who’s that?


Did you never watch Braveheart ?


Ugh. So uneducated. Okay well, Braveheart is one of the best movies ever made and I just watched it. I mean I watched it before, but I think it was the first time I watched it with understanding. And let me tell you this movie has more than enough life lessons.

It teaches about Love. Love for your partner. Love for your country. Love for your firends. Courage. The courage that the leaders have actually fighting by the soldiers side, not the talk they talk. Courage that is present in your actions. Consequences. Every choice has consequences. Believes. You should stand by what you believe no matter what. (Of course this is not directed to psychopaths that want to kill everyone on this planet, thank you very much – just in case you’re reading.)

And last but 100 freaking percent not least – freedom. Because as William Wallace said, “your position exists to provide those people with freedom”.

And, “They may take our lives but they’ll never take our FREEDOM!”

Plus the movie was filmed beautifully! As it turns out Mel Gibson is not only a great actor in a white T-shirt covered in blood and dirt (a lethal weapon reference) but also an amazing director.

So if you haven’t watched it yet. Watch it.


Right now.


I’ll be waiting here, so we can cry together.


My destiny.

My mum just told me how do you want to get a boy to touch you, looking like this ?!

I laughed.

The only reason for that is that I am severely tipsy.

But it got me thinking maybe I am a piece of shit.

Today I was looking at old photos and I realised I am ugly. Was. Am. And will be.

So I can’t really blame my mum. For the first time ever she was straight with me.

But since last week I can’t stop thinking that thinking wrong of myself will only bring me to hell. Because I am denying God right? He thinks I am beautiful and I don’t believe him.

Then what kind of a daughter am I?

Maybe I should go to hell.

Maybe that is my destiny.

Biptised in Spirit.

Hi. How are you? Are you good? Good. No? Well, how about we pray?


See I have come to this alternative conclusion that God was missing in my life.

-What? I thought that you are Christian???????

YES!! Of course, I am. BUT – I was missing GOD. I was essentially losing my faith in him.

The thing is that in the past, I don’t know how long, I have been feeling very shitty. For the past month, I had suicidal thoughts. To the point where I started actually planning again. Researching. Seriously if you would look at my history you would faint. (Not recommend – you will get a headache).

And less than a week ago it got to me so bad that I broke. I started pushing people away, I cried nonstop for over five hours until I fell asleep. And the thing that hunts me the most is that if only I would be alone at that time if my parents wouldn’t be home, I would’ve done it. I would cut my wrists and that would be it. I wanted it so fucking bad. I wanted to not hurt. I wanted someone to listen to me. I wanted someone to care. I wanted someone to just look past my smile and see the aching. But no one did.

The next morning I was a little better (sleep always helped me). I talked with my mum. She said that she loves me. And that she cares. And that everyone has the same fears and problems I do. She wasn’t convincing. She told me to go to a psychologist. And it hurt. You know I always wanted her to say it. I always imagined it.

I would be home alone, I would take all the pills I bought the other day at the pharmacy, and push them down my throat with alcohol. But somehow someone would be home early and they would call the ambulance. They would put me through all the procedures to save me. I would wake up to the beeping sound of the monitor and my mum would be crying softly into an already soaked white tissue. She would cheer loosing even more tears when she would see my eyelids lifting in confusion. But as soon as we would walk out of the hospital she would tell me that we need to get me help. And I would agree.

In reality, I felt as if my heart was ripped out of my chest tore into tiny pieces, burned and the ashes handed to me in a pickle jar.

Of course, I said no.

A few days I read an article about a guy who wanted to kill himself but a simple thing as a song stopped him. He was talking about the fact that he wouldn’t be able to listen to it ever again scared him. I felt nothing. I was numb to that article. For the first few hours. Then I fell asleep. And when I woke up I thought, if no one will fight for me, I will.



I convinced myself that I will tell my mum that I want to go to therapy. She was surprised. To be honest I thought she was about to laugh. Thank God, she didn’t.

And just as I started to search the best ones when I got a notification.

It was my friends birthday. (This was my song)

I send him birthday wishes and he replied. We talked a little and as always, he asked me to come to a prayer group Living Water.

And since I didn’t have anything to do that evening. I decided that because my main problem was fear of social interaction, I will go.

The night I went was a night of Baptism in spirt. I didn’t really know what that meant. As I said before my Christianity was just about going to church and passing my exams. I prayed only when I needed something to go right in my life. But that night was the night where I realised that my faith was lacking because I was tying God up. One of the leaders said that all the fear, all the self-pity and all the vain in our lives is tying God’s hands up so that he cannot help us. Cannot provide us with all that we need.

So, I let go. I let go of my fear and my insecurities.

I mean I am still working on it, but since that day whenever I fear or think bad thoughts, I think of God. I pray. I thank him for what a wonderful life he gave me. I thank him for every breath that I take. I thank him for every smile I caused. For every song I heard. For every beautiful and ugly piece of the world, I got to see.

So, I propose, let’s pray now. Just for a second. And let’s thank God for us. For the things we have and the things we don’t.

Let’s thank him for the one most treasurable gift anyone has ever gotten.




How about the ocean?

You could just float away into the deep deep tourquise abyss. Where all the worries are swollowed by the incredible multi – eyed creatures. Where tears are encrusted in a thick layer of happiness. Where the happiness won’t let you take another- even a single – breath in sadness. Where you will never be sad again. Where you will never ever … Be again.

What about the inbetween?



The air would surround you. For the first time ever you would take a real breath. And you would exhale all the bad memories. The sensation of your watery eyes would no longer exist. You would be dry and cold. But you would finally be free. After the jump you would remember the time you’re friends made you dance with your crush. You would remember the time you got to perform on stage. The time when you thought everything would sort itself out. When you had the opportunity to make the right decision. Then your heart would suddenly stop.

What other beauty can we find in the world? Where would our pain subside and become nothingness while we become one with nature? Where will we be happy?

Ps. Pictures not mine – took from Google.

Friends – short story.

She was soaked in sweat. Her handbag was rebelling against her as it kept on falling off her shoulder. And the broken wheel in the suitcase didn’t speed up the run to the gate. She knew she was going to get checked by the guard – by now she learned that her chocolate shade of skin was only useful for free drinks at a bar. NOT at the airport.

She dragged the last of her dignity up the stairs and after squeezing through the smallest corridor between seats she found her one.


Middle seat. Of course, this day couldn’t go worse for her. But the seat beside the window was empty – so there was a chance. Surely she was the last to get on board. She wanted to get the handle down but it got stuck. She kept on pulling at it, up and down, up and down, up and suddenly it was no longer attached to the suitcase. Instead, it was flying around the plane as if in search of a new, better path of life.

“Need any help with that?”, said a deep voice behind her.

“No thank you, ugh!” she began turning towards it. “Ugh why is it always me?!” she whispered under her breath as she squashed her bag into the overhead compartment.

“I have a tiny bladder and I’m at the window, maybe your situation isn’t that bad, huh?”

He had dark hazel eyes that emitted this specific warmth and kindness. She smiled.

“Yeah, I’ll still have to get up every time you do, 10E, nice to meet you.” They shook hands, laughed and fitted each other in their seats. It was nice to know that at least this once she wasn’t surrounded by a mother with a baby and a sweaty hairy pig, that ALWAYS decided to use her sleeve as a napkin for his drool.

“So, 10E, what brings you to the great land of Britan?” he asked. As soon as he took out his car magazine she felt like grabbing it and looking at the comic section.

“Umm,” she looked at him hesitantly, “I live there?” she giggled. “I am just coming back from a holiday.”

“Oh, very good. Did you enjoy Italy?”

“I mean, it is beautiful.” she hesitated.


“Well, I was there on my own ..” she said.

“Me too actually! I like those kinds of trips. You can really do what you want you to know. Meet new people. Eat where and what you want to eat,” he paused clearly seeing she was not that interested. “Use the bathroom with the door open!” he laughed.

“That last one is my jam.” she joined him. But her laugh was orderly. Although she was glad he wasn’t an annoying mother with a baby, she didn’t feel like remembering the worst two weeks of her life.

“How come you were alone?” he pushed.

Did she really have to reveal all her depressing secrets to an aeroplane stranger?

“The person I was supposed to go with cancelled,” she said.

“Total shame! Well, at least you got to do whatever you wanted right?”

“I suppose.” she looked at him flicking through the magazine and couldn’t help herself. “Sorry, do you mind if I just quickly read the comic on the back?”

His eyebrows flew to the top of his wrinkly forehead, but without hesitation he passed the magazine to her, smiling softly.

She giggled. Those comics were the one thing in the world that made her smile even at her worst.

“You like dogs?” he asked after she finished reading about a puppy eating a goldfish.

“I love them!” she looked as if she remembered one of her own ones. “I have a German shepherd. I will never forget the time he was just a pup!” she giggled.

“Oh yeah! They’re sweethearts but if they want something the devil in them comes floating to the top!” he said.

“Did you ever see any of those stupid videos with dogs on TV? Where they act, ridiculous?!”

“I love them! I used to spend hours watching them as a kid.”

“Yeah, me too! But that would be Charlie. She would manage to speak, dance, break stuff, fix stuff and probably perform a show of her life for that one tiny piece of sausage!” she laughed.

“Sounds like a gem! I actually own a shelter and as much as I love German Shepherds, I need to say nothing beats a pug!”

“Wow! Pugs! They’re adorable. Once I heard that they are invincible at snoring.”

“Oh God yeah! If you are a light sleeper and live within 10km of a pug you’re doomed to have an awful night!”

“Aha! But you see unfortunately I’m not a princess.”

“Did you do the pea test?”

“Actually, as a matter of fact, yes. I did.”

He laughed. She believed that it was because she wasn’t as special as he thought. But there was something about that laugh that she found comforting. Like she heard it every time I was about to fall asleep.

“Welll, not everyone can be a princess. But you know once in a while you will find yourself sitting next to one in the aeroplane.”

“Too bad all that I have is you!” she laughed.

“Auch!” he laughed and shifted in his seat so that we would be more-less facing each other. “So, now that we’re friends will you tell me why you were alone on that trip?”

Why was he so persistent, she thought. But then again she would never see him again. It’s just she didn’t want the pitty in his eyes. She didn’t want him to think wrong of her. But was a lie in this situation appropriate? As he said they were friends. Newbies but friends. And was she ever going to get a chance like this? To tell her story and just have it off her chest?

“My husband,” she started. He tensed up a little but didn’t interrupt her. “he umm, we used to come here for our anniversary every year. But he passed away three years ago. So, now it’s only me.” she forced her tight lips to curl up.

As his shoulders slowly went down, he smiled with large loving eyes at her. “I think it’s a sweet tradition you have. But I doubt he would want you to be sad every year during this time.”

“Heh, yeah. I suppose easy to say.”

“I lost my mother less than a year ago. Trust me I know how it feels.”

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “How about when we land we get a real coffee – not this shite?”

She didn’t know what to answer. She was supposed to never see him again. “Umm I don’t know, I’m really  not looking for any .. umm .. you know..” Did she say it right? What if she offended him?? She looked down at his magazine and her fingers suddenly were entwined in each other.

“It’s okay, me neither. Friends.” he held out his hand.

After short consideration, she shook it. “Friends.”


I generally don’t like that word if it means that I will loose something that I really like or even love.

The thing is, I’m sure you know, loosing especially people, is one of the hardest experiences you will have in your life.

I found a new job. I’m afraid that I won’t like it. I’m scared – hella scared. But can honestly just hope for the best. The thing is though as I’m writing this, I am waiting for a phone call. From the girl who gave me this current job.

No sorry, not current, ugh okay quick explanation-

My neighbour got me a interview in shop 1. The manager said that the job is mine if the deli manager (the girl) says yes. She said yes. Later the manager along with the owner gave me weekend shifts in shop 2. Then I started college and only work in shop 2 now. Which is a pile of CRAP!

Okay, now that you’re all up to date, me and the girl became real good friends. She liked me, I liked her and we were all a big family. Not to mention those great guys I worked with – MR GENTLEMAN FOR GOD’S SAKE !

I just really don’t want to leave them. But I have to, I have no other choice. If I leave one shop I need to leave the other – there’s no other way out of it.


Okay so, as I feared the new job was horrible, so I didn’t take it. I mean, I could smell the dirt. Not, an exagerattion.

Anyway, right after I came back from lisbon (a post all about that traumatic exprience coming soon) I went to give my notice to the good shop(shop 1). I was pretty convinced that I had to leave both.

But boy was I wrong !

The manager of the good shop, we’ll call him Mace Windu, didn’t want me to leave. I wouldn’t say he fought fiercely, but he did fight.

You know the casual, begging on knees, tears in bloodshed eyes, vows to give me a massive promotion.

-Really? Dude You. Are. Pathetic.

Okay, maybe I over exaggerated just a little bit.

But he said he will try and sort out the weekend for me and what most – we made a deal that I will be able to leave immediately when I find a new job. As well as protecting my ass from Vader (the owner of the shop).

So … Yesterday, I handed in my notice for leaving the bad shop. As suspected, Palpatine (the shitty manager), didn’t give a fuck. I mean I even thought he was glad. But that’s about it. Which makes me even more satisfied to go.

And suddenly saying Goodbye turned out to be the best in the world.