The Dark Angels.

19.

Her lips were rosy. A little chopped. The mint of her green eyes perfectly covered under the blue contacts. 

It looked wrong.

It was wrong.

She didn’t understand. They told her she needed to bleach her hair. But they tricked her because now she was going bald. 

They told her she needs to be less. 

Her fingers shook. Spit on her freckled cheek – but you couldn’t see the freckles. Make up dripping into the toilet. Her stomach felt just like the time she got beat up. 

Her father was trying to call her. She was supposed to be at home now. But the phone now rang in somebody’s else’s pocket. 

At least hers was pretty now. Fashionable.

They told her she must fit in. She let herself be kissed. She felt dirty.

She was.

But she had to. They told her to. She didn’t have a choice. They would take her otherwise. She didn’t want to go. 

And they tried. 

Tried to let her stay.

But she was too important to them.

Her legs were too weak to pick her up from the floor. But how was she supposed to satisfy them? They wanted her. She understood.

They “did it all to spden her from the awful things in life that come”. 

They gave her strength. Just enough to go into the pharmacy. They must’ve loved her. 

No. 

They love her. Always have and always will. They’re the only thing she has. 

They “never ment no harm”. And so they “hold her”. Wrapped around her like a safety blanket that she desired. 

She took the sixteenth pill and she was finally free. Now she could live happily ever after.

With them.

The dark angels.

Aurora – The Murder Song.

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The things we don’t say.

Selena Gomez – Hit the lights.

Isn’t it funny how we mostly regret not the things that we said but the things we didn’t say?

Think about it…

When was the last time you were not texting a friend -a close friend. A friend that you would tell EVERYTHING to. Including the fact that you have corn in your poop.

Actually, just because you mentioned it… I do not have any corn in my poop. Although I didn’t check. But I’m pretty sure so you can stop worrying now. 😊

-Kamila you have just reached a new level of pathetic. 

What? I thought we were foremce?!

ANYWAY

I am certain that in the last monety you wrote something that required you to think, “But maybe I shouldn’t. We’re not that close. Yeah I’ll just say ‘sleep tight sleepy head’. WAIT but kant that too little ? I mean I really want us to be friends and want to show him myself. But what if he thinks that I’m into him??? Omg !! Im just gonna sand ‘goodnight’ that will be politically correct.” 

Oh and don’t you dare say that you never thought like that. I think its just in our human nature. Overthinking, is what I believe, destroying us. And yes in some cases its better to shut up. I get that. But how many times did you walk away because you were to scared to talk to someone you liked. Or thought that it was inappropriate. 

And don’t you think it’s sad? 

And I don’t mean sick puppy sad. Because just the thought of that gives me tears.

Thank you. 

 Like me,  yesterday evening I was thinking for about half and hour before I send a text. Of course it wasn’t to my friend. And it wasn’t to an internet sensation. 

It was to Mr.Gentelman. And I know I know I’m not supposed to talk about that. But it lasted for 4 texts – ALLTOGETHER – so can you really count it?As my aliby, I was under the influence of alcohol(one Heineken). But every time(bar the first text) I regretted sending the text. I always had a great response and instead went for something plane and simple just to avoid him thinking that I like him. I was so stressed out that he might find out that I literally was holding myself back. 

And don’t you think that’s scary?

We’re always trying to fit in. Even in a stupid thing like a text. 

My brother overthinks 85% of his messages to his BEST FRIEND!! 

I had trouble sending a text warning people about a thief going around!!. 

And please don’t tell me that I’m the only fucked up person in this room. You are just as much human as I. Unless your a robot … Then 

Tick this box to prove it ₪[]

😂seee what I did there?????

Ugh by the way I don’t get why a robot wouldnt be able to tick a fudging box. 

Oh, and it was actually good that I texted him because I found out that I need to never do that again. This is because I don’t understand the Guy. Like what is “sound out” supposed to mean?? 

Okay enough chatter – stop worrying and text what you want to text. It’s a free world right? 

Year.

The song– The lord of the rings: The fellowship of the Ring.

Today is a year – to the day – when I started wrting this horrible bullshit about my life.

YEYEYEYEYEYEYEYYEYEYEYEYEYYEYEYEYEYEYEYEY!!!!!!!

Let’s see how I’ve done. What progress have I made?

Well I started with zero words, zero followers and 1 massive ambition / idea.

Now I have, an X amount of words – I suppose it’s a rather large amount.

I have lured in 53 followers – which is more than I have on Instagram and Twitter combined. (I just want to get a quick thank you to all who follow me. It seriously means the world to me.) Ps my twitter is @undecidedK soooooo ADD ME !!!

giphy

giphy (1)

Hmm what else??

A new Gif addiction.

A LOT less time to watch movies and shizzz.

AND most importantly too much new content that I am looking forward to sharing with you guys, because let’s think about it by now I have quit college already a year ago, and this year today I have paid the rest of my college fees.  Which means I’m in. With my full heart and soul. And hopefully I can keep this up for another year and hopefully I can fill these pages with stories (not only about boys – as I did for the past year but with stories about college, friends, happy and sad moments, memories that I haven’t yet shared with you and maybe even a little fiction as well as non-fiction about my opinions about topics that I have no clue about.

Because friends, all I want, is for you to smile once in a while – especially when your having a crappy day and I’m having a crappy day, we can laugh and cry together.

BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT REAL FRIENDS DO!

But I decided to change things up a bit so now (maybe not every time but mostly) I will put a link to a song which you should listen to while reading this. And you will always find it on the very top.

Including today ^^.

 

Cafeteria. 

Did you ever see the Gladiator? 

And if not did you ever see a bunch of birds fighting for that tiny piece of bread in the middle of the street?

Yeahhh… 

That’s our cafeteria.

Blood bath with hair pulling, food being thrown in defence or grabbed as a source of energy. People racing, as for a drop of water on a desert, to get a place to sit. Chatter so loud that it reenacts every single politicians party discussing the country’s matters. 

Not even gonna mention the overpriced food!

Yeah I know!

Okay, maybe that’s a little exaggeration.

A little. 

Because everyting I said probably happened just not during the time we’re there. But ! That’s because we’re there in an odd hour. Not! During lunch. 

And this makes me wonder. 

Is every cafeteria like that?

I remember when I was back in secondary (and for all you Americans- high school), it literally was the same. Except there everyone wanted to get the cool tables. And we were wearing uniforms. And it was in a confined environment. And we were throwen out as soon as we finished our food. 

Hmm so I guess it was exactly the same.

The cool tables were wooden and they always fell apart. Plus to sit normally at them you had to be in trousers (if a girl) and good at gymnastics. Beacause it literally looked like a disabled person was trying to make a tumble, when you sat at them. 

And if you didn’t get the cool table then you sat at normal ones – with normal uncomfortable chairs. 

… Maybe the cool tables were cool because the other ones were boring…

I don’t know…

Anyway.. 

Every single break, the annoying second years would sit beside us and we would always want to strangle ourselfs and them by the end of lunch. 

They would always yap about bullshit that no one cared about. And were way to loud. Like if they wanted to announce all their “secrets” they should’ve stood at the top and scream it into the microphone – not our poor ears. I am 100% that my shitty hearing is entirely their fault.

Not to mention every awkward silence and horrible choice of forced games. Serioulsy we could name the tables, our one would be called “CRINGE”. 

And in our cafeteria there were teachers. Which always stood at the side or top of the area and stood there gawking at us. Like perverts. Eww. 

Now that I think about it though our spot was pretty good beacsue usually we were able to hide with our phones quite easily. Not like the people at the cool tables. Plus if we were copying h/w from each other, at the cool tables it was just a matter of time before we would’ve got cought. While on the crappy tables where most of gossip was told, we were free as outside the school gates.

Nearly. 

But now that I am an “adult” and go to real college I can use my phone whenever I want so that ain’t a problem anymore. Right?

Nah ah!!

Because now it’s the creepy nosy stalkers that sit around me that don’t let me search up Barbie games. Not teachers. 

Just kidding I don’t actually play Barbie.

… I AM AN ADULT!

Soo.. What was your cafeteria like? 😃

The first time? 

Search up “Rape me by Nirvana” and listen to it while you think what this will be about. I did. And now I cannot stop laughing. 

Hmmm…

Hi!

How’s it going ? 

You know I always wonder what will something be like before I do it. And then I create this whole vivid image of my expectations which (usually) are very high. And then BOOM! My dream crashes as I live through “the first time”.

Sooo…  Did you ever go on a first date? And is every “first date” first? And is it always soo fudging awkward???

Okay, look, I get it, we barely new each other and it was loud(which sometimes helped the situation) but overall I don’t think it went that great. 

And, my dear firends, it was beacuse we are too different. 

I mean yes we like the same movies … but that’s about it. He likes millitary stuff and I don’t. The closest to that is airsoft and I’m not even interested in that, that much.

And that’s just the start. Then we have the fact that he doesn’t listen to music. He said that he listens to one song over and over until he finds something new. And I’m the person that listens to different songs. The person that always tries to search for new music. The person who lives by music. And he plays an instrument. Cool right?

Get ready kids because I’m gonna change into a 100% judgmental bitch. 

He plays the bag pipes. THE BAG PIEPES!!!!

Can someone please shoot me? I was dreaming of a boyfriend who could play the guitar. Or if not then who could sing. Or if not who loved music. Or if not who would love the way I love music. And would love my terrible singing and playing the guitar. Not a bag pipe player. However, orignial it is.

And then you have the news. He adores the news. I mean listens and watches it religiously. And I’m just there like… “Eew.” (If you don’t know the reason for it I wrote a post about it called Stupid=Happy.)

Not to mention that he has a red car. RED!!! I mean sure it’s just a car. But Mr. Gentelman has nothing better, yet a silver shitty car has something more umm how would I call it ? Masculinity? About it. Is that even a word? .. It is now!

And while we’re on the topic of masculinity. One of the top requirements of me future boyfriend is the ability of killing a spider. And he is afraid of them… 

And it’s not like I am judging him beacuse of that. I am just finding it very difficult to imagine, him saving me from a spider in the future.

Or the fact that he doesn’t like horrors. He says that he’s scared but mostly he “just doesn’t find them interesting”. And in my world it’s the complete opposite. I mean yeah, I am scared. But it doesn’t stop me from enjoying them – especially if to the equation you add a cute boy holding my sweaty hand 😍. 

Then when I finally got the courage to ask the most important question, “What is your biggest dream?” he said to have a house. And that’s cool. I guess. I’m not judgmental of dreams beacsue their like your little private pearls of wonder that you’re trying to catch when you get the chance. I mean one of my dreams is to have stairs in a house for God’s sake. But-

-Kamila stop with this buts shit now!! You essentially moan about a great guy. Its like your looking for a hole in a whole. Get your shit together and go out with him again!

But it wasn’t like I was perfect either. 

I kept on repeating “cool” and “yeah” too. Although, I think that I gave a little more emotion into them. But I felt like I had nothing to offer to him. It was just him telling me about the things that I hadn’t had a chance to experience yet. And I was just like, “Yeah that sounds great!”. 

Quietness. 

Quietness.

Quiet-fucking-ness!!!!!!

So why the fudge would he be interested in me??? Its clear that we didn’t match! So tinder was wrong! 

Oh, yeah did I mention that I met him on Tinder? … 

And then the saying goodbye.

We said goodbye. We hugged. He hugged hard ..  (Personal space bubble – just saying). And then he really wanted to meet again. Like really and I was nice and said that I would like that too. And then after his thorough interview when I’m next available I said goodbye and began walking away …

Untill he grabbed me and gave me another sidewards hug. And friends let me just tell you … Bad memories came to the surface. 

And then I walked away smiling like the idiot that I am. And no. Not because I liked him but because of the crynginess.

Please say that you understand? 

It’s over.

You know the way there are those moments in your life where you meet someone. And then you start talking. You start to get to know each other. As that person opens up to you, with every word you tighten your grip on them. And you learn their smell. The way they feel in your hands. The way they will not ask you about your personal life if you don’t want them. And you go through so much. It is that one person that you can depend on when everyting goes shitty. When everything is about to fall into pieces, they’re there, always at your reach. There is no boring days with them.  But every day you want more. And they give it to you. 

Untill one day you reach the climax. You begin to realise that this will not last forever. Once they will give all of themselves to you, you will have to move on. You will have to find someone new. And this kills you. 

And when it happens you feel numb. You’re no longer inseparable. Now you’re in two different places. And they don’t feel anything. But you feel homesick. So you find yourself a new addiction. 

A new book.